Newsletter and jokes 30 January 2015

Hi all 
Bad Brad is back, beating up the Germans again. Also up for the families is 
yet another remake of Annie, as well as a South African remake of a  
Japanese film, lots of free-running, and award-winning arthouse fare 
from South America. 
There are some previews for the upcoming Afrikaans rom-com Mooirivier at 
two venues next Wednesday and Thursday, see the previews page and  
remember to book :-) 
In the last few days I moved the site from my server in the USA to a new 
box here in South Africa. On the positive side that should make the site 
faster and more responsive. On the negative side, there are still some  
things that are broken (due to software changes on the server), but it looks 
like all the important, current stuff is working okay. Please report any 
issues ... I know about the very old video pages being broken. 
M O V I E S 
30 January 2015 
* No (16 L) 	 
* Kite (16 V) 
* Annie (PG) 
* Fury (16 LV) 	 
* Fury (IMAX) (16 LV) 	 
* Tracers (13 LSV)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 6 February  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
 A doctor in Dublin, feeling overworked wanted to get off work and go 
fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing 
tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the 
clinic and take care of all me patients". 
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. 
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, 
Murphy, how was your day?" 
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a 
headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol." 
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor. 
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy. 
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one? 
asks the doctor. 
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young 
gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears 
off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and 
lies down on the table and shouts: "HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For 
five years I have not seen any man!" 
"Tunderin' lard, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. 
 "I put drops in her eyes." 
One night a woman with a newborn baby spotted her husband standing over 
their baby's cot. 
She watched him silently and unobtrusively, with curiosity. 
As he stood there, looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face 
a mixture of emotions; 
Disbelief, amazement, enchantment, scepticism, and intense study. 
Touched by this display and the deep emotions he was showing, she moved 
into the baby's room and slipped her arm around her husband. 
"A penny for your thoughts", she whispered. 
"It's utterly amazing, and beyond all understanding", he said. 
"I can't figure out how anyone could build a cot like this for R319.99!!" 
An example of Positive Attitude 
Late in the night he regained consciousness... 
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU with tubes up his 
nose, wires monitoring every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over 
Slowly he realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident, with major 
injuries to his body. 
She gave him a deep look straight into his eyes, and he heard her slowly 
say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." 
Somehow through the oxygen mask, he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel 
your breasts then?" 
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it 
under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold 
to drink. 
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 
'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?' 
The blonde said it was hers. 
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. 
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that 
shade tree.' 
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.' 
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 
'cause I fed her this morning.' 
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants 
to have sex!' 
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a 
police dog.' 
Church bulletins... 
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. 
Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon 
tonight:'Searching for Jesus.' 
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those 
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. 
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery 
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help 
they can get. 
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. 
So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is 
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several 
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person 
you want remembered.. 
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and 
gracious hostility. 
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be 
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from 
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend 
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the 
back door. 
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the 
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this 
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. 
Please use large double door at the side entrance. 
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last 
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.' 

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