Newsletter and jokes 6 February 2015

Hi all 
We've got a very full lineup this week, with something for everyone, and on 
top of that there's previews for more good stuff, so escape the heat and  
enjoy ... 
Note: the version of Jupiter Ascending showing at Nu Metro venues may be 
3D, their data feed did not specify 2D or 3D. 
There are previews all over for American Sniper, Fifty Shades of Grey and 
Kingsman: The Secret Service. See the previews page and remember to book. 
M O V I E S 
6 February 2015 
* Selma (13 LVP) 	 
* Mooirivier (PG) 	 
* The Interview (16 LV) 	 
* Jupiter Ascending (PG10-12 LV) 
* Jupiter Ascending (3D) (PG10-12 LV) 
* Jupiter Ascending (3D)(IMAX) (PG10-12 LV) 
* The Spongebob Movie: Sponge Out of Water (PG V) 
* The Spongebob Movie: Sponge Out of Water (3D) (PG V) 
* The Wedding Ringer (16 LSVD) 
* Shamitabh  (Bollywood) 
* Yennai Arindhaal (Kollywood)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 13 February  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:  Why do their 
wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin 
the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows are 
exchanged?  Finally, the riddle is solved. 
A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation. When  
the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the 
long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a 
Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain 
absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, altar, and hymn.She becomes mesmerized  
as she continually reinforces these perceptions: Aisle, altar, hymn... 
Aisle, altar, hymn... Aisle, altar, hymn. 
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is 
complete.   She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself: 
"I'll alter him!"   
Here Endeth The Lesson. 'peace be with you' 
This week's heart-wrenching story ... 
A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco. None of his  
classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who  
was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!!!" 
One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The  
teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting 
very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire  
teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her  
son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!! 
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease!  
All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which  
only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher 
decided to have the operation, which was successful...... 
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling 
down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started  
to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but  
eventually died! 
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he  
turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic,  
who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!!!!! 
Don't tell me you thought that Hameed became a doctor !?! 
A man and woman were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all 
very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. 
'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one ...'Sorry I'm 
running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know 
how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.' 
'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all 
together today.' 
Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad. I just 
flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop 
for you.' 
It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.' 
Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, 
but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I 
didn't have time to get you anything.' 
After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something your 
mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were 
very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. 
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very 
much, but we just never found the time to get married.' 
The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?' 
Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones, too.' 
Golf jokes: 
A gushy reporter told Tiger Woods, "You are spectacular; your name is 
synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the 
course. What's your secret?" 
Woods replied, "The holes are numbered." 
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5 iron 
standing over a lifeless man. The detective! asks, 
"Ma'am, is that your husband?" 
"Yes" says the woman. 
"Did you hit him with that golf club?" 
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, 
hands on her face. 
"How many times did you hit him?" 
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times ... just put me down for a 
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was 
standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. 
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here"? 
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, 
is it?" 
An argument is when two people are trying to get in the last word first. 
Before you have an argument with your boss you had better take a look at 
both sides, her side and the outside. 
The only people who really listen to an argument are the neighbours. 
The best way to win an argument with a woman is to hit her over the head 
with a new coat. 
Never argue with a women. You might win - and then you'll really be in 
After winning an argument with his wife, the wisest thing a husband can do 
is apologize. 
Nothing is more likely to start an argument with your wife than winning 
The argument that you've just won with your wife isn't over yet. 
One thing a man learns from an argument with a woman is how to be a good 
There are two times when you should NOT start an argument with a woman; 
when she's tired - or when she's rested. 

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