Newsletter and jokes 20 February 2015

Hi all 
Well Mr Grey and his lessons went and completely rewrote the local box  
office records last week... I trust you all did your homework... :-) 
If Mr Grey was too tame for you, you could try this week's Addiction which  
has an 18 age res, as opposed to Shades' 16. 
Another strong lineup this week with not one but two of the top Oscar 
contenders up for your viewing pleasure.  
There's previews all day Saturday and Sunday all over for the new Shaun 
The Sheep Movie, see the previews page and remember to book. 
M O V I E S 
13 February 2015 
* Cake (16 LVD) 	 
* Whiplash (16 L) 
* Addicted (18 LNS) 	 
* Big Eyes (PG10-12 LVD) 
* Badlapur  (Bollywood) 
* American Sniper (16 LV)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 27 February  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was 
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 
"You're beautiful." 
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so 
she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he 
said, "You're cute." 
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now 
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" 
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off." 
Junior School Children Writing About The Sea. 
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) 
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea 
all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) 
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily 
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) 
5) A dolphin breaths through an @r*ehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. 
(Millie age 6) 
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the 
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to 
make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. 
(William age 7) 
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How 
do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6) 
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always 
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big 
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6) 
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give 
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where 
I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) 
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy 
small. (Kevin age 6) 
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't 
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. 
(Becky age 8) 
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going 
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. 
(Julie age 7) 
an I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to 
the counter. 
The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?" 
"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was 
Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for 
German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" Then, warming to his 
theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask 
me if I was Jewish?" "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I 
was Mexican? Would Ya? Would Ya?" 
The assistant said: "Well, no." 
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a 
gear. "And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was 
French?" "What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?" 
"Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant. 
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: "Well, all 
right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because 
I asked for Irish sausages?" 
The assistant replied: "Because you're in Builders Warehouse." 
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. 
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. 
She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? 
That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! 
Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." 
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?" 
"Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's 
having on his golf trip with you." 
Why you should think before you speak: 
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids 
in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow 
job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband 
didn't say a word... he knew better. 
SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf 
balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing 
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen 
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I 
looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls" 
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store 
that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display 
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm 
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The 
boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister 
has never let me forget. 
FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler 
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to 
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other 
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she 
would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a 
voice just ! as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will 
tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The 
silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers 
stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and 
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard 
when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. 
FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever ! asked your child a question too many 
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was 
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in 
between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying 
my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my 
seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not 
asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 
"No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I 
don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you 
didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have 
had an accident, 
because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny 
did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, 
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 
30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled 
up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me 
for the best laugh they'd ever had! 
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan 
laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in 
the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict 
snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it 
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE 
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so 
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows 
frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. 
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like 
this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. 
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he 
feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his 
head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. 
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old 
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to 
the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of 
the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon 
back to normal and chewing the cud. 
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full 
of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she 
wanted as a repayment for her deed. 
She declined his offer and walked off across the field. 
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You 
know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. 
"No" said the farmer "who? 
"That was Thora Hird." 

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