Newsletter and jokes 6 March 2015


 
Hi all 
 
It looks like Hollywood is going through a bad patch at the moment, having 
produced a few high-profile duds this year already (one of which opens here 
this week). So I guess the suits in Hollywood are not happy ... 
 
On the positive side, there's also at least two well-rated movies opening  
here for your viewing pleasure. 
 
 
M O V I E S 
 
6 March 2015 
 
* Blackhat (16 LV) 	 
* Playing It Cool (13 LS) 
* Enakkul Oruvan 	 
* Nightcrawler (13 LV) 
* The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (13 VH) 
* The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (PG7-9 L) 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm  
 
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit) 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm  
 
Added US and UK Top Tens 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm  
 
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia) 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm  
 
Forthcoming attractions for 13 March February 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm  
 
Updated the pic and quote on the home page 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/  
 
This Week's pinup 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (desktop 
 
Pick of the Week 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm  
 
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm  
 
List of all movies showing 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm  
 
Same list sorted by Age Restriction 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm  
 
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm  
 
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
 
Cheers, Ian 
 
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Dave and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in 
Wisconsin, when Anne yells at him to stop the car. Anne jumps out and picks 
up a little bundle that was laying in the road. She brings it back to the 
car and it turns out it was a skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold. 
 
Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it 
warm, and let it go in the morning?" 
 
DAVE SAYS, "OKAY, GET IN THE CAR WITH IT." 
 
"WHERE SHALL I PUT IT TO KEEP IT WARM? 
 
"PUT IT BETWEEN YOUR LEGS. IT OUGHT TO BE NICE AND WARM THERE." 
 
ANNE SAYS, "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SMELL?" 
 
"JUST HOLD HIS LITTLE NOSE." 
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Don't mess with the old people... 
 
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa. He shot and dropped a 
bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. 
 
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his 
tractor and asked him what he was doing. 
 
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now 
I'm going to retrieve it." 
 
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over 
here." 
 
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the 
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and 
take everything you own." 
 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle 
disputes in Iowa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three 
Kick Rule.' 
 
"The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" 
 
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to 
go first... I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so 
on back and forth until someone gives up." 
 
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he 
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. 
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the 
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot 
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! 
 
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his 
mouth. 
 
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, 
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. 
 
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very 
slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his 
jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.... Now it's my turn." 
 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck." 
 
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There were five country churches in a small Queensland town: the 
Presbyterian Church ,the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church , 
the Catholic Church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and Synagogue was 
over run with pesky possums. 
 
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do 
about the possums. After much prayer and consideration they determined 
that the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere 
with God's divine will. 
 
In the Baptist Church the possums had taken up habitation in the baptistry. 
The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and drown the 
possums in it. The possums escaped somehow and there were twice as many 
there the next week. 
 
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a 
position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the 
possums and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, 
the possums were back. 
 
But -- the Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective 
solution. They baptized the possums and registered them as members of the 
church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. 
 
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one possum and 
had a short service called circumcision. They haven't seen a possum on the 
property since. 
 
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Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as 
they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, 
according to the Associated Press. 
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied ... 
 
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Health care ... 
 
 
On the door to a Health Care Office: 
'Sorry, this facility is not accessible to the financially handicapped.' 
 
I can no longer get that new drug my doctor ordered for me. 
It was recalled because a common side effect was lawsuits. 
 
My neighbour survived the operation; it was the bill that killed him. 
 
We're moving you from intensive care to intensive billing... 
 
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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer 
they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't 
unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she 
would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around 
furtively, then speak to them. 
 
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but 
occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money 
for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling 
drugs and debated calling the cops, 
but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. 
 
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that 
she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" 
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel 
and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what 
she's really doing." 
 
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up 
and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and 
then leave. 
 
The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she 
selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice. "No, 
she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. 
* Kaaki Sattai 	(Kollywood) 
* Hear Me Move (13 LVD) 
* Wild (16 LNSD) 	 
* Dying of the Light (18 LV) 
* Mortdecai (PG10-12 LSV) 	 
* Shaun the Sheep Movie (A) 
* The Remaining (16 VH) 	 
* American Sniper (IMAX) (16 LV) 
* Kill the Messenger (13 LD) 	 
* The Theory of Everything (PG7-9) 
 
"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The 
man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesman." 
 
"A battery salesman?" cried the wife. 
 
"Yes," he replied, "She sells 'C' cells by the seashore!" 
 
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A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a 
beer. 
 
The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, 
"They don't serve beer here, you moron!" 
 
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker 
with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle. 
 
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands. 
 
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for 
the food!" 
 
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