Newsletter and jokes 27 March 2015

Hi all 
Holiday time again... so there's a mixed bag for your enjoyment. Oddly  
enough most of the releases are aimed at older people rather than kiddies. 
This week is a short week due to Easter next weekend, so the new movies 
will be opening next Thursday, including episode 7 of the Fast & Furious 
franchise. If you can't wait till then, there's previews all over on  
Wednesday night ... see the Previews page and remember to book. 
M O V I E S 
27 March 2015 
* Home (PG) 	 
* Home (3D) (PG) 	 
* Top Five (18 DLNS) 
* Rosewater (13 LV) 
* Danny Collins (13 LD) 	 
* The Lazarus Effect (13 VH) 
* The Boy Next Door (16 LSNH)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 2 April  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (desktop for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a £10 and a note in 
his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." 
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and 
quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a 
green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The 
dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he 
walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. 
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, 
the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to 
push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.  
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks  
repeatedly. No answer. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and  
throws himself - Whap! against the door. He does this again & again.  
No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly  
at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. 
Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the 
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This dog's a  
The owner responds, "Genius, you wish! It's the second time this week he's 
forgotten his key." 
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre. 
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,"Sorry 
sir, but you're only allowed one seat." 
The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you 
don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." 
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing. The usher marched 
briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. 
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, 
but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. 
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy 
what's your name?" 
"Fred," the old man moaned. "Where you from, Fred?" asked the police  
With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied... ... 
"The balcony." 
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he 
saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. 
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad 
ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" 
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced 
me hat and I really, really love that hat.. I know that McGlynn had a hat 
just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that 
he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the 
back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal 
McGlynn's hat." 
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's 
hat. What changed your mind?" 
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I 
decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." 
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After 
I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do 
without that hat than burn in Hell?" 
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou 
Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat." 
A zero premium, no deductible Long Term Health Plan. 
Say you are an older senior citizen, and can no longer take care of 
yourself, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available 
for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G. 
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are 
allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to 
prison for the rest of your life, where you will receive three meals a day, 
a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning, cable TV, a 
library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need 
glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, 
s*x change, or heart? They are all covered. 
And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told 
you, they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get 
rid of a useless politicians while you are at it. And now, because you are 
a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes. 
Is this a great country or what? 
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached 
across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, 
"Martha ... soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have 
to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?" 
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been 
unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good 
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never 
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by good reasons?" 
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were 
about to lose our little house, because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do 
you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day 
he notified you that the loan would be extended?" 
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for 
that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?" 
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't 
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? 
Well, I went to see your doctor one night, and, if you recall, he did the 
surgery at no charge." 
"I recall that," said Henry "and, you did it to save my life. So, of 
course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third time." 
"Alright," Martha said, "do you remember when you ran for president of your 
golf association and, you needed 73 more votes?" 
Cinderella is now 95 years old. 
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her 
rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat 
named Bob for companionship. 
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. 
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these 
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life 
since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still 
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful 
consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but 
not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, 
and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. 
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. 
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother" 
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you 
want for your second wish?" 
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young 
and full of the beauty and youth I once had" 
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. 
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. 
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what 
shall it be?" 
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish 
for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." 
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological 
make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes 
of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. 
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new 
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was 
gone as suddenly as she appeared. 
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. 
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, 
stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. 
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking 
chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, 
blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered ... "Bet 
you're sorry you neutered me." 

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