Newsletter and jokes 24 April 2015

Hi all 
Fast & Furious 7 continues to rewrite the record books, having overtaken 
Avatar as the top box office earner here in South Africa, and it's only  
been on circuit for four weeks. Remarkable. It's also breaking records 
all over overseas. 
This week sees a very strong lineup, with the second Avengers movie set to 
topple F&F7 from the top spot, forcing it to compete against the other  
strong releases for second spot. 
This week is a short week due to the public holiday next Friday, the new  
movies will open next Thursday. 
On the previews side, there are some previews next Wednesday night for the  
new Will Ferrel / Kevin Hart comedy Get Hard. See the Previews page and  
remember to book. 
M O V I E S 
24 April 2015 
* French Toast (PG) (South African) 
* Avengers: Age of Ultron (PG10-12 V) 
* Avengers: Age of Ultron (3D) (PG10-12 V) 
* Avengers: Age of Ultron (3D)(IMAX) (PG10-12 V) 
* The Book of Life (PG7-9 V) 	 
* The Book of Life (3D) (PG7-9 V) 	 
* Dear White People (16 DLNPSV) 	 
* Mr X (Bollywood, 2D, 3D released last week)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 30 April  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Red Skelton's Recipe for a Perfect Marriage: 
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, 
good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on 
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in 
3. I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back. 
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I 
haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. 
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" 
So I bought her an electric chair. 
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in 
the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 
"In the lake." 
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell 
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the 
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!" 
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt 
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" 
I said, "Dust!" 
Jokes for the High IQ club. 
1. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek.  
Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one  
meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in  
the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims  
"Newton! I found you! You're it!"  
Newton replies "You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter.  
You found Pascal!" 
2. A mathematician and an engineer decided they'd take part in an  
experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked  
woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could  
travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician 
stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in.  
The mathematician said "Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to  
actually reach her." The engineer replied, "So? I'll be close enough for all 
practical purposes." 
3. A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says "make me one with  
everything." The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, 
puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. "Where's my change?" the monk  
asks. The vendor replies, "change comes from within". 
4. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being  
and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I would like a cup of coffee  
please. No cream." the waitress replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of  
cream. How about with no milk?" 
5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar.  
Heisenberg turns to the others and says "Obviously this is a joke, but how  
can we tell if it's funny?" Godel replies "We can't know that because we're  
inside the joke." Chomsky says "Of course it's funny, you're just telling it 
6. It's hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things 
7. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? 
8. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Do all of you want  
a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says  
the same. The third says "Yes!" 
9. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?"  
asks the bartender. The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have  
asked for it." 
10. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says  
"Five beers please!" 
11. A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the  
dad. His wife asks if it's a boy or girl. The logician replies "Yes." 
12. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain't what it used to be. 
13. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them 
to pronounce unionized. 
14. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 
15. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts  
"Oh! I forgot to feed the dog." 
16. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says,  
"Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react. 
17. Shrodinger's cat walks into the bar and doesn't. 
18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says "We don't allow Higgs 
Bosons in here." The Higgs Boson replied, "Well, without me, you can't have 
19. A programmer's wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they  
have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of  
20. There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet though.  
An oldie... 
Marge and Edward lived in a mental institution for nearly all their lives. 
One day whilst walking past the pool Edward fell in and sank straight to 
the bottom, he didn't even try to save himself, quick as a flash Marge 
took a huge dive straight to the bottom of the pool grabbed Edward and 
saved his life. 
With this event the director of the home decided Marge was sane and could 
be released back into society. She came in to Marge's room and said 
"Marge, I have good news and bad news for you". "Marge due to your heroic 
actions it has been decided that you are sane and can make rational 
decisions in even the most stressful situations, We all know you love 
Edward so for you to act so swiftly and save him from drowning proves 
beyond a doubt you are sane and given that you are being released, Marge 
you are going home". 
Marge was so excited she hadn't been home for over 40 years. "But now the 
bad news Marge, straight after you saved him, Edward took his own life, it 
seems Edward hanged himself with his bath robe, I am so sorry Marge, Edward 
is dead". 
Marge said " He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry, Now when can I 
go home?" 
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon 
when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the 
other direction. 
'Hello,' said the little boy 
'Hi,' replied the little girl. 
'Where are you going?' asked the little boy. 
'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' answered the 
little girl. 
'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the 
little boy. 
'I go to the Lutheran church back down the road,' replied the little girl 
'What about you? ' 
'I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill,' replied the 
little boy. 
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that 
they'd walk together. 
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially 
flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the 
other side without getting wet. 
'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said 
the little girl. 
'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the 
little boy. 
'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull 
off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.' 
'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same 
thing with my suit.' 
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting 
their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry 
before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked 
'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is 
between a Lutheran and a Catholic!!! 
Top 10 Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women 
#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22... 
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are 
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you 
try it out a few times... 
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup... 
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo... 
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space... 
#4 - A gun functions normally every day of the month... 
#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"... 
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it... 
..AND... the #1 reason a gun is favoured over a woman... 
Q: Name the four seasons. 
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. 
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. 
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants 
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. 
Q: How is dew formed? 
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. 
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? 
A: Keep it in the cow. 
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? 
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to 
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature 
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. 
Q: What are steroids? 
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 
Q: What happens to your body as you age? 
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. 
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? 
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. 
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. 
A: Premature death. 
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen) 
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and 
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains 
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, 
E, I, O, and U. 
Q: What is the fibula? 
A: A small lie. 
Q: What does "varicose" mean? 
A: Nearby. 
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section." 
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome. 
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?' 
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. 
Why Men Are Never Depressed 
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple 
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. 
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You 
can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt 
to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell 
you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another 
gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to 
stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. 
Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never 
stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. 
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about 
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all 
your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of 
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be 
your friend. 
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more 
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. 
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face 
stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe 
decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. 
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- 
one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs 
look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of 
choice concerning growing a moustache. 
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 
No wonder men are happier. 

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