Newsletter and jokes 30 April 2015

Hi all 
A full lineup this week, two or three are pretty good while the rest are  
more disappointing. The two big earners on circuit (F&F7 and Avengers)  
should continue to do well.  
On the previews side, there are some previews next Wednesday night for the  
followup to Pitch Perfect, creatively entitled Pitch Perfect 2. 
See the Previews page and remember to book. 
M O V I E S 
30 April 2015 
* Get Hard (16 LN) 	 
* The DUFF (13 L) 
* Desert Dancer (13 VD) 	 
* Gabbar is Back (Hindi) 
* Beyond the Reach (13 LV) 	 
* She's Funny That Way (13 L) 
* Serial (Bad) Weddings (PG10-12 LP) (French) 
* Far from the Madding Crowd (PG10-12 V) 
* Uttama Villain (Tamil)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 8 May  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Hillary's Great-Great Uncle 
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that 
Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse 
stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. 
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. 
On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, 
sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the 
Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and 
hanged in 1889.' 
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. 
Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following 
biographical sketch: 
"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business 
empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and 
intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted 
several years of his life to service at a government facility, 
finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, 
he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned 
Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important 
civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was 
standing collapsed.' 
And THAT is how it's done folks!-------------------GET READY for 2016!!!! 
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny 
and an orphaned snake. 
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny 
was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the 
forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. 
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the 
"I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since 
birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, 
I don't even know what I am." 
It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too 
have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, 
maybe I could slither all over you , and work out what you are so at least 
you'll have that going for you." 
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all 
over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have 
really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. 
I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." 
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The 
bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my 
paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." 
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth 
and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no testicles. 
I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in 
senior management." 
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. 
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What 
setting do I use on the washing machine?' 
'It depends,' I replied.  'What does it say on your shirt?' 
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .' 
And they say  blondes are dumb... 
Q:  What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and 
calling your name? 
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. 
An oldie... 
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, Az. He sits at the 
counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at 
a full bowl of chilli. 
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy 
bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" 
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his 
best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead." 
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his 
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the 
bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. 
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli into the 
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too. 
Hillary again ... 
Cardinal McCarrick of Washington, DC was dying in the hospital. For years, 
he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned 
for his nurse to come near. 
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse. 
"My dying wish is to see former President Bill Clinton and Senator 
Hillary Clinton before I see God..." 
"I'll see what I can do, Father.." said the nurse. 
The attending physician sent the request to the Clintons and they both 
decided it would be a great photo-op for HRC's presidential campaign. 
When they arrived at the Cardinal's room, the press crowded around. 
Cardinal McCarrick took Bill's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in 
his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's 
Finally Hillary, smiling and looking at all the press, spoke. "Cardinal, 
of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with 
you as you near the end?" 
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life 
after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He died between two lying thieves 
and I would like to do the same." 

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