Newsletter and jokes 8 May 2015

Hi all 
Another very full lineup, although quality-wise not so great. 
Fast & Furious 7 has, as of last weekend, passed the 71 million mark,  
leaving Avatar way behind on 55 million rand. 
Apart from the bumper lineup, there's also three previews for those that 
can't wait: Sunday has a few screenings for The Age of Adaline, while  
next Thursday there's screenings all over for Mad Max: Fury Road, 3D and 
3D IMAX, as well as Pitch Perfect 2.See the Previews page and remember to  
M O V I E S 
8 May 2015 
* Do You Believe (PG7-9) 	 
* Somer Son (PG7-9) 
* Unfinished Business (16 LND) 	 
* Child 44 (16 V) 
* Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (PG7-9 V) 	 
* Lullaby (16 L) 
* Piku: Motion Se Hi Emotion (Hindi) 
* Yellowbird (PG) 
* Jadoo (Indian, English) 
* The Parlotones: This Is Our Story (PG)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 15 May  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he 
hears music.  No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. 
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a 
headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". 
Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it 
is being played backwards! 
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. 
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time 
it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played 
backwards. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they 
return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The 
expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in 
which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. 
By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the 
grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. 
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the 
group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. 
"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says."He's 
First day back at school in Birmingham, UK., the teacher began calling out 
the names of the pupils : 
"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri ?" - "Here miss." 
"Achmed El Kabul ?" - "Here miss." 
"Fatima Al Hayek ? " - "Here miss." 
"Ali Abdul Olmi ?" - "Here miss." 
"Mohammed Bin Kadir ?" - "Here miss." 
"Ali Son al En", silence in the classroom. 
"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room. 
The teacher repeated the call. 
A girl stood up and said, "Sorry, miss, I think that's me. It's pronounced 
Alison Allen 
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. 
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." 
What do they say?" the priest inquired. 
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" 
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.  Then he thought for a moment. 
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two 
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. 
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage 
with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and 
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying. . that phrase . . in no 
Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." 
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he 
ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage 
holding rosary beads and praying. 
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few 
minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you 
want to have some fun?" 
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the 
other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers 
have been answered!" 
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them 
instantly. You can't take your time, answer all  of them immediately. OK? 
Let's find out just how clever you really are.... 
Ready? GO!!! 
First Question: 
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What 
position are you in? 
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! 
If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second! 
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't 
take as much time as you took for the first one, OK? 
Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? 
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong 
again. Tell me, how can you over take the LAST Person? 
You're not very good at this, are you? 
Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your 
head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. 
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 
1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? 
Did you get 5000 ? 
The correct answer is actually 4100. 
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely 
not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... .... 
Fourth Question: 
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What 
is the name of the fifth daughter? 
Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the 
question again! 
Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy 
a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he 
successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. 
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of 
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants? 
He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.... Like 
A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased 
with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. 
The local newspaper read: 
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the 
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. 
The next day, the local newspaper headline read: 
This was too much for the bishop so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the 
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. 
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the 
next day: 
The bishop fainted.  He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of 
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. 
The next day the paper read: 
As a last resort the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead 
it to the plains where it could run wild. 
The next day the headlines read: 
The bishop was buried the next day.... 
The moral of the story is... being concerned about public opinion can bring 
you much grief and misery ... and even shorten your life. 
So be yourself and enjoy life..... 
Only worry about your own ASS, not someone else's..... 
You'll be a lot happier and live longer. 
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to 
work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he 
was a good worker, reallytidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real 
credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person 
Friendly" policies. 
One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, 
he called him into the office for a talk."Charley, I have to tell you, I 
like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often 
is quite bothersome." 
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." 
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd 
though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. 
What did they say if you came in late there?" 
"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'" 
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new 
recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. 
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 
100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather 
than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and 
listened to Jones' sales pitch. 
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and 
then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, 
the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. 
If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the 
government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000." 
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into 
battle first?" 

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