Newsletter and jokes 15 May 2015

Hi all 
Sorry this is a bit late, was hoping to get the Cinema Nouveau top ten as  
well as the UK top ten but no such luck. 
Pitch Perfect 2 clobbered Max Max at the box office last weekend, both here 
and in the US... strange how big budgets and big stars don't always hit 
the jackpot. 
There's a very full lineup this week, unfortunately not all good, and no  
previews. Regardless, there's still plenty of other goodness on circuit to 
enjoy :-) 
M O V I E S 
22 May 2015 
* Hot Pursuit (PG10-12 V)  
* A Most Violent Year (16 LV) 
* Tomorrowland (PG10-12 V) 
* Tomorrowland (IMAX) (PG10-12 V) 
* Accidental Love (PG10-12 LS) 
* The Forger (16 L) 
* Infinitely Polar Bear (PG10-12 LD) 
* The Last Five Years (PG10-12 LS) 
* Stone Cold Jane Austen (16 L) (South African) 
* Tanu Weds Manu Returns (Hindi)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 29 May  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Dear Abby, 
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, 
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, 
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. 
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new 
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with 
his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. 
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, 
and even hints that I may be a lesbian. 
What should I do? 
Signed: Clueless 
Dear Clueless: 
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're 
running for President of the United States. 
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas 
Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like 
alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As 
bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. 
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is 
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next 
to them, a single red rose! 
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. 
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly 
clean. So is the rest of the house. 
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back 
at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the 
corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss 
mark from his wife in lipstick: 
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make 
you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" 
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, 
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. 
His son is also at the table, eating. 
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" 
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell 
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and 
got that black eye when you ran into the door " 
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order 
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for 
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she 
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm 
Broken Coffee Table £239.99 
Hot Breakfast £4.20 
Two Aspirins £0.38 
*Saying the right thing, at the right time* . . */_PRICELESS_/* 
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this 
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. 
When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you! 
Call centres... 
Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through 
to enquiries, can you help?'. 
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'. 
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'. 
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'. 
Caller:   'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am 
travelling in Australia ?' 
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?' 
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ): 
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to 
the other side of the car?' 
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'. 
Customer:     'OK'. 
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'. 
Customer:     'No'. 
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?' 
Customer:     'No'. 
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this 
Customer:     'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''. 
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see 
the 'OK' button displayed?' 
Customer:     'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?' 
Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised 
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my 
file back again?'. 
At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the 
They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they 
painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1,2, 4. 
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3. 

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