Hi all Another full lineup, including a new SA film, a remake of a classic, and two once-popular stars starting to show their age. On the previews side there's previews all over all day Saturday for the upcoming Melissa McCarthy comedy, Spy. See the previews page and remember to book. M O V I E S 22 May 2015 * The Rewrite (13 LD) * Poltergeist (13 S) * Poltergeist (3D) (13 S) * Barely Lethal (13 LV) * Serena (16 SV) * Treurgrond (16 LV) * The Age of Adaline * Survivor (13 LV) * Masss (Tamil) http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit) http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm Added US and UK Top Tens http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia) http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm Forthcoming attractions for 5 June http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm Updated the pic and quote on the home page http://www.moviesite.co.za/ This Week's pinup http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (for the guys) Pick of the Week http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first. http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm List of all movies showing http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm Same list sorted by Age Restriction http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) Cheers, Ian ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Statistics released from The United Nations reveal that: Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age will, on average, have s*x two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have s*x only once or twice per year. This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A road crew supervisor in Saskatchewan hired Herb from Newfoundland, to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Prince Albert. He was skeptical about hiring him since he didn't have any painting background, but he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lorrie- Jane, told him so. He explained to Herb, that his work day would be to complete 2 miles of centerline on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started. After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Herb, that he did an excellent job, and said how pleased he was with his progress. On the second day, Herb completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Herb would pick up the pace again. On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Herb completed painting only 1 mile of road. Herb was called to the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem. "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Herb?" "Well," Herb replied, "I'll tell you watt is da problem dare boy, but I taught a smart man like you would figger it out fer yourself. Every day I got farder and farder away from da paint can. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- John McCain and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. TheRepublican, John McCain, gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into McCain's pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5. Now, do you understand the difference? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first golfer said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. After two holes they were even. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched. How about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy then won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen and while counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The golf pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "No, you won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. Keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest answered, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have s*x?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months." "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that... in case I need to fix it again?' Harold grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of ID ten T errors before?' 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down. ID10T.I used to like Harold. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------