Newsletter and jokes 15 May 2015

Hi all 
Well I hope those of you getting a long weekend enjoy it... 
Over at the movies, the dinosaurs are back, doing what they do best. Also 
assorted smaller releases, including a new Afrikaans film. 
On the previews side, there's previews all over all day Tuesday for the 
upcoming Disney/Pixar film Inside Out, as well as The Rock's San Andreas 
disaster epic. See the previews page and remember to book. 
M O V I E S 
12 June 2015 
* Seun (16) 	 
* The Riot Club (16 LVSD) 
* Everly (18 LV) 	 
* 5 to 7 (PG10-12 S) 	 
* Hamari Adhuri Kahani 	 
* Jurassic World (PG10-12 V) 
* Jurassic World (3D) (PG10-12 V) 
* Jurassic World (3D)(IMAX)(PG10-12 V)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 19 June  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law. 
One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to 
find her mother gone. 
She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman. 
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The 
mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion 
"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked. 
"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let 
him get himself out of it." 
A little Biblical Humour 
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? 
A. Ruthless. 
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? 
A. German Shepherds. 
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? 
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation 
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? 
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a 
little prophet. 
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? 
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph 
was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, 
because the apostles were all in one Accord. 
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? 
A. Samson. He brought the house down. 
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived 
in Eden? 
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. 
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? 
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. 
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? 
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing. 
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? 
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. 
Q. Which Bible character had no parents? 
A. Joshua, son of Nun. 
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ? 
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan) 
PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee? 
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . "He-brews" 
Children's version of the Bible... 
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, 
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy 
God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 
'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. 
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't 
embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve 
disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden 
of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have 
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. 
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for 
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. 
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of 
his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and 
some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said 
they would have to take a rain check. 
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his 
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some 
pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports 
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. 
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh 
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included 
frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every 
day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These 
include don't lie, cheat, smoke, 
dance, or covet your neighbour's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one 
more: Humour thy father and thy mother. 
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use 
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the 
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a 
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise 
to me. 
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was 
Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. 
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to 
worry about them. 
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the 
New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish 
I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 
'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a 
matter of fact, I was.') 
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees 
and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was 
Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable 
after him. 
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some 
Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on 
trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just 
washed his hands instead. 
Any way's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went 
up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. 
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution. 
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control 
your anger? 
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl. 
Husband: How does that help? 
Wife: I use your toothbrush 
A painting contractor was speaking to a woman about a job. She said she 
wanted the first room a pale blue. He wrote it down, went to the window 
opened it and yelled 
They Walked into the second room and she said she wanted it a soft yellow 
color. He wrote that down, went to the window opened it and yelled, 
The woman was curious but didn't say anything. They walked into the third 
room and she said she wanted a warm rose color. The painter wrote that 
down and went to the window and opened it, he yelled 
Finally the woman asked, "why do you keep yelling that out the window?" 
"I'm sorry," he replied, "but I have a crew of blondes Laying turf across 
the street. 
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two 
eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. 
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." 
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because 
you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. 
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked 
"YES!!" stated the waitress. 
"I'll take the special then." my wife said. 
"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked. 
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. 
She took the two eggs home. 

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