Newsletter and jokes 10 July 2015

Hi all 
A rather small line-up this week, with the big release for the kiddies. It 
will be interesting to see how it fares against Inside Out, which made it  
to the top of the US boxoffice last weekend, after being on circuit for  
three weeks. Meanwhile, Jurassic World has moved up to number 5 on the  
global All-time charts.  
There's no previews this week, but instead you can catch some live MMA  
action this afternoon at select cinemas. 
M O V I E S 
10 July 2015 
* Minions (PG) 	 
* Minions (3D) (PG) 	 
* Lost River (16 VLH) 
* Life of Crime (16 LSV)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 26 June  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked 
about his bill and the barber replies, 
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' 
The florist was pleased and left the shop. 
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank 
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. 
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the 
barber again replies, 
'I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week.' The 
cop is happy and leaves the shop. 
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' 
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. 
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he 
tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money 
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very 
happy and leaves the shop. 
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' 
card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve 
Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.' 
Then, an MP comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the 
barber again replies, 
'I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week.' The 
MP is very happy and leaves the shop. 
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen MPs 
lined up waiting for a free haircut. 
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the 
citizens of our country and the members of our Parliament. 
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals. King Kong, 
an Ape, an Orang-utan and a Monkey . They decide to compete to see who is 
the fastest to get a banana off the tree. 
Who do you guess will win? 
Your answer will reflect your personality. 
Think carefully ... Try and answer within 30 seconds 
Got your answer? 
If your answer is: 
Orang-utan = you're dull & normal 
Ape = you're a moron 
Monkey = worse, you're an idiot 
King Kong = you're hopelessly stupid 
A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas! Obviously you're stressed and 
Take some time off and relax! 
They walk among us ... 
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave 
her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46 .64. I gave the money back 
to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour. She became 
indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, 
and returned the money again. I gave her the money back. Same scenario! I 
departed the store with the $46.64. 
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande 
Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard 
that said 'buy one- get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' 
she said, 'so I guess they're both free' She handed me my free Lattes and I 
walked out the door. 
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which 
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking 
him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my 
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she 
shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.' 
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to 
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut 
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 
'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think 
I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.' 
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her 
rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would 
have it, an Exxon gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to 
the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her 
that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait 
until it was returned. 
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, so she decided not 
to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car 
that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the 
patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the 
station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her 
car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from 
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it 
starts, I'm turning Catholic." 
Golf has given us some unusual and colorful terms to describe shots such as 
'shank', 'chili-dip', 'skull', 'duck-hook', 'worm-burner', etc. Here are 
some new ones to add to your vocabulary. 
A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole. 
A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's an impossible read. 
A 'Rock Hudson' - it looked straight, but wasn't. 
A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another. 
A 'Yasser Arafat'  - butt ugly and in the sand. 
A 'John Kennedy Jr'., - didn't make it over the water. 
A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed. 
An 'O. J. Simpson' - got away with it. 
A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver. 
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used a driver. 
A 'condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good. 
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a bit too far to the right. 
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - way too far to the left. 
A 'Barbra Streisand' - ugly but still working. 
A 'Teddy Kennedy' - goes in the water, but jumps out. 
Marriage advice from kids: 
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like 
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the  
chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. 
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're 
stuck with.. -- Kristen, age 10 
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.-- 
Camille, age 10 
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the 
same kids.-- Derrick, age 8 
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each 
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynn, 
age 8 
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets 
them interested enough to go for a second date.-- Martin, age 10 
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with 
that.- - Curt, age 7 
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them 
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8 
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to 
clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9  
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, 
age 8 
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. 
--, Rick age 10 

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