Newsletter and jokes 17 July 2015

Hi all 
A large line-up of small releases, if that makes sense. Presumably because 
the holidays are over and there are already strong movies for all the major 
demographics already on circuit. 
It's Film Festival time again, see the Musgrave and Gateway Nouveau pages 
for what's on when. 
M O V I E S 
17 July 2015 
* Ride (13 LD) 	 
* Bin Roye (Urdu) 
* Cut Bank (16 LV) 	 
* God's Not Dead (PG10-12 PV) 
* Black Sea (13 LV) 	 
* While We're Young (13 L) 
* A Royal Night Out (PG10-12 D) 	 
* Bajrangi Bhaijaan (Hindi)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 24 July  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 
6' 2" strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle 
cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. 
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of 
working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department. 
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him 
into his office for the young man's last interview. 
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. 
So far your qualifications all look good, 
but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test" that you 
must take before you can be accepted. 
We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son." 
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, 
the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: 
six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, 
six Democrats, and a rabbit." 
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant. 
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?" 
Lawyer: "Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. 
Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?" 
Defendant: "I didn't want to wake up the children." 
35 rules of life.... 
1. Never, under any circ*mstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on 
the same night. 
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often. 
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a 
garage makes you a car. 
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried 
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice 
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program . 
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. 
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand. 
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist 
change places. 
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks 
before you need it. 
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 
21. Experience is a wonderful thing, it enables you to recognize a mistake 
when you make it again. 
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world. 
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat. 
26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has 
not achieved it's full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' 
27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.' 
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never 
want you to share yours with them. 
29. You should not confuse your career with your life. 
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 
31. Never lick a steak knife. 
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling 
reason why we observe daylight savings time. 
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests 
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging 
from her at that moment 
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, 
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we 
ALL believe we are good drivers. 

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