Newsletter and jokes 31 July 2015

Hi all 
Sorry the mailer is so late, tied up with family issues. 
On the positive side, we thankfully have the Nu Metro showtimes again. 
Further good news is that there are previews all over next Thursday for the  
next installment of Tom Cruise's Mission Impossible series which has had  
excellent reviews Stateside, and did better than expected this weekend when 
it opened there. So everyone is happy... 
M O V I E S 
31 July 2015 
* Ant-Man (13) 	 
* Ant-Man (3D) (13) 	 
* Ant-Man (3D)(IMAX) (13) 	 
* The Gallows (16 HV PPS) 
* Woman in Gold (PG10-12 P) 
* That Sugar Film (PG) 
* Big Game (PG10-12 V) 	 
* Thina Sobabili (16 LV,SV) (South African) 
* Drishyam (Hindi)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 7 August  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Married life ... 
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, " Which book has 
helped you most in your life?" 
The woman replied, "My husband's cheque book !!" 
A prospective husband in a book store asked, "Do you have a book called, 
'Husband: the Master of the House'?" 
Sales Girl : "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!" 
Someone asked an old man : "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife ' 
Darling, Honey, Luv.' What's the secret?" 
Old man :  "I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her." 
Wife : I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day. 
Husband : I  wish that too, so I could have a new one every day! 
Husband to wife: "Today is a fine day." Next day he repeats : "Today is a 
fine day."  Again, the next day he says the same thing. Finally after a 
week, the wife couldn't take it anymore and asks: "For the last week, you 
have said. 'Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter?" 
Husband : "Last week, when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you 
one fine day.'  I was trying to remind you!" 
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from 
home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. 
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, 
she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post 
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, 
wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the 
window to him. 
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his 
hat, went off down the street. 
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting 
on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. 
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. 
"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he 
replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1." 
Three men, an Englishman, an American and an Aussie are walking through the 
jungles of Africa in search of the conga conga tribe, 
when all of a sudden they are surrounded by cannibals. 
They are taken away to the camp of the cannibals and tied up. The chief 
comes up and tells the three men that they will be cooked in a lovely 
white wine sauce and eaten by the tribesmen and that their skins will be 
used for canoes. As the chief was a nice kind of cannibal he offered the 
three men one last wish each. 
Firstly the Englishman was asked what he wanted. "A knife" granted with he 
took it to his throat and killed himself. 
Then the American was asked what he wanted. He also requested the knife, 
which was granted and he slit his throat and died too. 
Then the Aussie was asked what his last request was. He asked for a fork. 
The chief and tribesmen looked around at each other a little confused but 
provided the fork. At this stage the Aussie began stabbing himself all 
over his body yelling "You ain't making a canoe out of me ya b@st@rds" 
An Irishman, fed up with anti-Irish jokes, starts taking English elocution 
After a few successful weeks he goes to the shops to try it out. 
"I'll have an Observer, a Telegraph and a Times, please Sir, he says to the 
"Are you Irish? asks the shop-keeper 
"How did you know? replies the shocked Irishman. 
"Well, this is a fish and chip shop, mate.". 
A squad of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an 
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. 
On the opposite side of the road was an American soldier in a similar but 
less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid 
was given to both men, the squad Leader asked the injured American what 
had happened. 
The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the 
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' 
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I 
yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife sc*m bag who 
got what he deserved. 
He yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, Good-for-nothing, left wing 
liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.' 
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, 
mean-spirited lesbian!' 
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton !' 
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, 
When a truck hit us 
Teacher: "Maria, come up to the map and show the class where North America 
is located." 
Maria: "Here it is." 
Teacher: "You are correct. Now class, tell me who discovered North 
Class: "Maria." 

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