Newsletter and jokes 7 August 2015

Hi all 
Well Tom is back again, doing the impossible (stunt wise). The critics were 
impressed and the masses think it's pretty good too, so enjoy. 
On the previews side, there's previews all over all day Monday for the 
upcoming Fanstastic Four reboot, and next Thursday for teen drama/romance 
Paper Towns. See the previews page and remember to book. 
If you're on the roads this long weekend, please take care. 
M O V I E S 
7 August 2015 
* Mommy (16 LVPD) 	 
* Lila & Eve (13 LV) 	 
* Mission: Impossible — Rogue Nation (13 V) 
* Mission: Impossible — Rogue Nation (IMAX) (13 V) 
* Bangistan (Hindi)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 14 August  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Once upon time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. 
He called the royal weather forecaster and asked about the upcoming weather 
conditions. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in  
the days ahead. So the King went fishing with his wife, the queen. 
On the way he met   farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer 
said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just   
short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". 
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace 
meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced 
professional. And besides, I pay him Very high wages. He gave me a very 
different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my Way." 
A short time later torrential rain fell from the sky. The king and queen 
were totally soaked. 
Their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a drenched condition. 
Furious, the king returned to the palace and fired the weatherman at once! 
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying 
role of Royal Forecaster. 
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I 
obtain my information From my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, 
it means with certainty that it will rain." 
So the king hired the donkey. 
And thus began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and 
occupy its highest and most influential advisory positions. 
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ..."I'm sleeping with the 
minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service 
for me?" 
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. 
After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him 
all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. 
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up 
to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister... 
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to 
keep you occupied." 
The minister thinks for   minute, smiles, puts   brotherly hand on 
Mike's shoulder and says... 
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago". 
Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir is, before there was Euro there were 
lots of different types of money that different people used. And now  
there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want 
to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of 
Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?" 
Baldrick: "Yes Sir" 
Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many 
different countries all running their own finances and using different 
types of  money. On one side you had the major economies of France, 
Belgium, Holland and Germany, and on the other, the weaker nations of 
Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal. They got together and 
decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the 
same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where 
everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be situation 
whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises". 
Baldrick: "But this is sort of crisis, isn't it Sir?". 
Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw 
with the plan". 
Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"  
Blackadder: "It was bollocks".  
Things Dad Would Never Say ... 
10.) Well, how about that! I'm lost. Looks like we'll have to stop and ask 
for directions. 
9.) You know, pumpkin. Now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for 
unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 
8.) I noticed that all your friends have a certain negative attitude. I 
like that! 
7.) Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. Go crazy! 
6.) What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good 
enough for you, son? 
5.) Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to 
consider throwing a party. 
4.) Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those 
doo-hickey thingies. You know, that makes it run or something. Just have 
it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 
3.) No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. 
Now, quit your belly aching and let's go to the mall. 
2.) What do you want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for 
you to spend. 
1.) Father's Day? Ah, don't worry about that. It's not important. 
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would 
take a few inches off of your butt!' 
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a 
comment go unrewarded. 
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 
'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud 
appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 
'why did you put talc*m powder in my underwear?' 
She replied with a snicker...'It's not talc*m powder...... It's 'Miracle 

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