Newsletter and jokes 14 August 2015

Hi all 
The big release this week is the reboot of the Fantastic Four franchise, 
but in truth, it is going up against stiff competition already on circuit.  
Two of the other new releases got much better ratings, including the new 
Judd Apatow adult romcom. 
On the previews side, there are a handful of previews for the reboot of 
The Man from U.N.C.L.E. at select Ster-Kinekor venues, and their IMAX  
screens, next Thursday. See the previews page and remember to book. 
M O V I E S 
14 August 2015 
* Brothers (Hindi)	 
* Love & Mercy (13 LD) 
* Trainwreck (16 LSD) 	 
* The Vatican Tapes (13 VH) 
* Fantastic Four (10 LV) 	 
* White Bird in a Blizzard (16 LNS) 
* Vaalu (Tamil)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 21 August  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the 
aisle towards me. 
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. 
It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside 
I gave her a loving smile and said, 
"Get that trolley over here, Love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the 
price of 2!" 
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went 
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother 
and comfort her.  
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,  
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."  
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old  
having s*x would surely be asking for trouble.  
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced  
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would  
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.  
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."  
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,  
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." 
Newspaper headlines in need of a proofreader ... 
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death 
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 
War Dims Hope for Peace 
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 
A little old lady looked out her window one day and was surprised to see a 
pack of male dogs in her yard in amorous pursuit of a female. 
She called the police and told the duty sergeant, "Officer, there are nine 
dogs out in my yard." 
The cop, thinking he would kid her a bit, said, "My goodness, are they 
She looked out the window again and said, "Well, right now seven of them 
What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray 
in casinos? 
The ones in the casinos are serious. 
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres 
of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of 
lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon 
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk 
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the 
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 
'You must be single.' 
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by 
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her 
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her 
selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. 
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're 
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?' 
The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.' 
The Roots of Violence: 
Wealth without work, 
Pleasure without conscience, 
Knowledge without character, 
Commerce without morality, 
Science without humanity, 
Worship without sacrifice, 
Politics without principles. 
- Mohandas GANDHI 

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