Newsletter and jokes 21 August 2015

Hi all 
The Man From U.N.C.L.E. reboot kicks off this weekend, although it did not 
perform very well Stateside. Also up for the teen market is Paper Towns,  
which smaller releases for the other new arrivals, including the local  
doccie about Joost. 
On the previews side, there are a previews all over Saturday for the new  
Leon Schuster movie which opens next week. Depending on which report you 
believe, it is either his final movie or final movie "in this genre" i.e.  
candid camera style. 
M O V I E S 
21 August 2015 
* Where Hope Grows (13 D) 	 
* Boychoir (PG) 
* Paper Towns (PG10-12) 
* The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (13 V) 	 
* The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (IMAX) (13 V) 	 
* Glory Game - The Joost van der Westhuizen Story (PG7-9 L) 
* All Is Well  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 28 August  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper 
and threatening manner. 
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet? 
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time 
ma hubbie Sandy comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'. 
"The Doctor says: "Aye, well. I have a real good cure for that. When your 
husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start 
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until 
he goes to bed and is sound asleep." 
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. 
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, 
I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even 
Tell me Doc, wha's the secret? How's the water do that?" 
The Doctor says: "Janet m'dear, it's really nae big secret. The water does 
bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick." 
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not 
decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts 
because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. 
Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do 
humans take longer to access information when their brains are full. 
Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive 
decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, 
but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of 
older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more. 
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they 
get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a 
memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise. 
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember 
their names. So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my 
friends, too. 
I am a Seenager: 
(Senior teenager) 
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. 
I don't have to go to school or work. 
I get an allowance (pensions). 
I have my own pad. 
I don't have a curfew. 
I have a drivers licence and my own car. 
I have ID that gets me into bars, the LCBO Store and the Beer Store. 
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. 
And I don't have acne. 
Life is great !!! 
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of 
the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with 
small American flags mounted on either side of it. 
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the 
priest walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good 
morning Alex." 
"Good morning Father," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Father, 
what is this?" he asked the priest. 
The priest said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women 
who died in the service." 
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, 
little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which 
service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?" 
His request approved, the Bulletin Newspaper photographer quickly used his 
mobile phone to call the Townsville airport to charter a flight. 
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. 
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. 
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, 
and shouted, 'Let's go'. 
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. 
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over Mount 
Stuart and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the 
'Why?' asked the pilot. 
'Because I'm a photographer for the Bulletin' he responded,' and I need to 
get some close up shots.' 
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, 
finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, 
is . . ... You're NOT my new flight instructor?' 

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