Newsletter and jokes 2 October 2015

Hi all 
Holiday time again and a good line up at the movies, ranging from the very 
good to the, well, let's not go there ... 
One of the new films is local production Ayanda, which is causing a buzz 
internationally. Oscar nom and all that ... 
There are previews all day Sunday all over for Pan, which looks at a back 
story for kiddie favourite Peter Pan. See the previews page and remember to 
Over in the US, gritty crime drama Sicario has been making massive waves... 
it's been in limited release for two weeks, playing to packed houses. It  
even snuck onto the US top ten at number 10 last weekend... despite only 
playing in 59 theatres, while the movie at number 9 played in 1540 and the  
film at number 11 was in 1370. It goes on wide release there this week, and 
opens here next week. 
M O V I E S 
2 October 2015 
* Ayanda (13 L) (SA) 
* Straight Outta Compton (16 LSNVPD) 
* The Martian (PG10-12) 	 
* The Martian (3D) (PG10-12) 
* Hotel Transylvania 2 (PG7-9 VH) 	 
* Hotel Transylvania 2 (3D) (PG7-9 VH) 
* Pay the Ghost (13 VLH) 	 
* Singh is Bliing (Hindi) 
* While You Weren't Looking (16 LNSP) (SA) 
* Puli (Tamil)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 9 October.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (wallpaper for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.     He called 
the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for 
the next few hours.The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of 
rain in the coming days.So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. 
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.     Upon seeing the king the 
farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because 
in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". 
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace 
meteorologist in high regard.     He is an extensively educated and 
experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages.     He gave me a 
very different forecast.I trust him and I will continue on my way."     So 
they did. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.  
   The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon 
seeing them in such a shameful condition.     Furious, the king returned to 
the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he 
summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of 
royal forecaster.  
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. 
I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping,  
it means with certainty that it will rain."    So instead, the King hired  
the donkey.    And thus began the practice of hiring asses to work in the  
government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.     
And thus the practice continues to this very day. 
'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical 
minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which 
holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a t*rd 
by the clean end.' 
Barney is Satan - proof 
1) Start with the given: 
2) Change all U's to V's (which is proper latin anyway): 
3) Extract all Roman Numerals: 
C V V L D I V 
4) Convert into Arabic values: 
100 5 5 50 500 1 5 
5) Add all the numbers: 
Thus, Barney is Satan. 
A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left 
the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran 
into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told 
her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and 
use it to push my car fast enough to start it. 
I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it 
needed to be pushed at at least 40 km/h for it to start. 
She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming 
wondering what she could be doing. 
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me 
at about 50 km/h, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my 
A jackeroo in Australia was out checking farm fences in his ute when he hit 
something. He radioed the homestead for advice. 
'There's a pig stuck in the bullbars and is still alive but he's kicking 
and squealing so much I can't get him free' he said. 
'Okay,' said the boss. 'In the back of the ute there's a .303. Put it up to 
the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to 
get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush..' 
About 45 minutes later the jackeroo called in again, 'I did what you said, 
'Boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of 
the bullbars, no problem. But I still can't go on..' 
'Why not?' asked the boss. 'What's the problem?' 
'Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the 
The following questions were set in a GCSE examination in Swindon, 
Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) 
Q. Name the four seasons 
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar 
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink 
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants 
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists 
Q. How is dew formed 
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire 
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans 
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to 
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature 
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight 
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on 
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed 
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections 
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election 
Q. What are steroids 
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs 
Q. What happens to your body as you age 
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental 
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty 
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery 
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes 
A. Premature death 
Q. What is artificial insemination 
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow 
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour 
A. Keep it in the cow 
Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen) 
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the 
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the 
heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O 
and U 
Q. What is the fibula 
A. A small lie 
Q. What does 'varicose' mean 
A. Nearby 
Q. What is the most common form of birth control 
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium 
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' 
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome 
Q. What is a seizure 
A. A Roman Emperor 
Q. What is a terminal illness 
A. When you are sick at the airport 
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature 
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas 
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its 
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face 
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean 
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight 
Q. What is a turbine 
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head 

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