Newsletter and jokes 9 October 2015

Hi all 
The morning after the day before ... thank goodness children only have one 
birthday a year. Leaves me feeling drained ... timewise, moneywise and  
This week's lineup at the movies is particularly strong, for the tail end 
of the holidays and the start of the run-up to the end of the year. 
The Walk is in limited release at the IMAX venues this week, going wide next 
There are previews all weekend for Ooops! Noah is Gone, and for controversial 
local drama Dis Ek, Anna on Thursday night. See the previews page and  
remember to book. 
M O V I E S 
9 October 2015 
* Pan (PG7-9 V) 	 
* Pan (3D) (PG7-9 V) 	 
* Life (PG10-12 LSD) 
* Dope (16 LD) 
* Jazbaa 	 
* Sicario (16 LV) 
* Pawn Sacrifice (PG10-12) 	 
* The Walk (3D)(IMAX) (PG10-12) 
* American Ultra (16 LVD) 	 
* Khalil Gibran's The Prophet (PG)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 16 October.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Most of our generation of 50+ was 
HOME SCHOOLED in many ways. 
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL  DONE . 
      "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished 
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 
      "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 
      "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle 
of next week!" 
4. My father taught me LOGIC. 
      "Because I said so, that's why." 
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 
      "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going 
to the store with me." 
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 
      "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 
7. My father taught me IRONY. 
      "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 
      "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 
      "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 
      "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 
 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 
      "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 
 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 
      "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't 
 13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 
      "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..." 
 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 
      "Stop acting like your father!" 
 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 
      "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who 
don't have wonderful parents like you do." 
 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 
      "Just wait until we get home." 
 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 
      "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!" 
 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 
      "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck 
that way." 
 19. My mother taught me ESP. 
      "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 
 20. My father taught me HUMOR. 
      "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 
 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 
      "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 
 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 
      "You're just like your father." 
 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 
      "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 
 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 
      "When you get to be my age, you'll understand. 
 25. My father taught me about JUSTICE. 
      "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" 
      This was only sent to the over 50 crowd because the younger ones 
would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents 
A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London .. 
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year! 
When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how 
much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. 
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '£39.00.' 
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to 
insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England! 
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it 
is on the screen, it says: 
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is £39.00.*' 
I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others. 
A woman calls a veterinarian at 1:00 in the morning, frantic that her pooch 
has been carrying on with another dog. They are now stuck together in the 
yard and she wants to get them apart. 
The male vet, sounding a little irritated asks, "Did you try warm water?" 
"Yes," said the woman, "It didn't work." 
"Did you try banging pots and pans together, make a lot of noise to 
frighten them apart?" 
"No, but I will try that right now, hold the line!" A few minutes later, 
she gets back on the phone 
"No, that did not work either!" 
The vet then says, "Ok, try this, after you hang up, put your phone in the 
window so the dogs can hear it." 
"Get on your cell phone and dial your number." 
She asks, "Do you really think the ringing of my home phone will get them 
The vet replies, "Well, it worked with me and my wife when you called!" 
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a 
woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are 
all of those kids yours?" 
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer 
A female, who shall remain nameless, took a vacation to France some years 
ago with one of her girl- friends. 
Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good trip. The wife 
asked, "Would you like me to bring something back for you?" 
The husband laughed and says, "How about a French girl!" 
Our lady kept quiet, didn't respond and went into the terminal. 
Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and asked, "So, 
honey, how was the trip?" 
"Really great, I loved Paris." 
"And, what happened to my present?" 
"Which present?" 
"What I asked for.... the French girl?" 
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait nine months to 
see if it's a girl." 

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