Newsletter and jokes 16 October 2015

Hi all 
Geez, Monday night and still catching up from last week. Not good.... 
On the positive side, since the students can't go to Varsity, they may as  
well catch a movie or three since there is lots of goodness on offer. 
The lineup itself has both quality and quantity, but it's the toppings that 
are special... 
First up it's the previews, all at selected venues only. Wednesday sees  
"girl's night out" screenings for Burnt, with Bradley Cooper.   
Thursday has previews for Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension, as well 
as Dis Ek, Anna (which has been rerated as 16 L). 
Then there's the music ... Thursday has "one night only" screenings of  
Ed Sheeran and his Jumpers for Goalposts show. This past weekend had 
André Rieu doing his Maastricht 2015 concert. 
So enjoy :-) 
M O V I E S 
16 October 2015 
* Abraham (PG10-12) 	 
* Reconnect (PG) 
* The Walk (3D) (PG10-12) 	 
* Rudhramadevi (Tamil) 
* Black Mass (16 LV PPS) 	 
* Mississippi Grind (13 LD) 
* Breaking Through (PG7-9 L) 	 
* Pyaar Ka Punchnama 2 (Hindi) 
* Ooops! Noah is Gone (PG V) 	 
* Me and Earl and the Dying Girl (13 LD)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 23 October.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
With my old man I got no respect. I  asked him, "How can I get my kite in 
the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. 
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. 
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she 
won't drink from my glass! 
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a s*xy 
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. 
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went 
over; nobody was home! 
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for  mooning. 
The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 
'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' 
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Enos. 
My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal. 
It's been a roughday. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and  a 
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm 
afraid to go to the bathroom. 
I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering 
me up. 
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio. 
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me 
that she only liked me as a friend. 
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with 
his wallet. 
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my 
father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through 
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born. 
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger 
to my father. He said he wanted more proof. 
Once when I was lost, I  saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my 
parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I 
don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide." 
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump next Tuesday. 
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big 
I'd get. 
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in 
the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: 
"Nothing, your eyesight is perfect." 
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My 
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. 
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control. 
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the 
electric chair. 
The other day I went over to our nearby Clicks Pharmacy. When I got 
there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists' 
Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a 
teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter. 
The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, 
"Yes! Could you please taste this for me?" 
Because I'm a senior ...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me, and 
picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and 
swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it 
out on the floor and began coughing. 
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, "Now, 
does that taste sweet to you?" The pharmacist, shaking his head back and 
forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HECK NO!!!"So I said, "Oh 
thank Goodness! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist 
to test my urine for sugar!" 
Well, I can never go back to that Clicks, but I really don't care 
though, because; they aren't very friendly there anyway. 
Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office: 
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix." 
In a Podiatrist's office: 
"Time wounds all heels." 
On a Septic Tank Truck: 
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels 
At an Optometrist's Office: 
"If you don't see what you're looking for, 
you've come to the right place." 
On a Plumber's truck: 
"We repair what your husband fixed." 
On another Plumber's truck: 
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." 
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : 
"Invite us to your next blowout." 
On an Electrician's truck: 
"Let us remove your shorts." 
In a Non-smoking Area: 
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate 
On a Maternity Room door: 
"Push. Push. Push." 
At a Car Dealership: 
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." 
Outside a Muffler Shop: 
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." 
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: 
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" 
At the Electric Company 
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. 
However, if you don't, you will be." 
In a Restaurant window: 
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up." 
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 
"Drive carefully We'll wait." 
At a Propane Filling Station: 
"Thank heaven for little grills." 
And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: 
"Best place in town to take a leak." 
And the best one for last...... 
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: 
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises" 
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance 
exam to go to Medical School. 
One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name 
of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. 
Those who answered spine are doctors today. 
The rest of us are sending jokes via email. 
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father 
as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make 
a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, 
study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the 
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, 
and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've 
brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your 
Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. 
"The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've 
noticed in my studies of the Bible that:- Samson had long hair, John the 
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong 
evidence that Jesus had long hair." 
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!) 
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?" 

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