Newsletter and jokes 18 December 2015

Hi all 
So Star Wars has opened, to generally good reviews, and they're expecting 
major moola at the box office. There's even talk of it challenging Avatar's 
number 1 position on the all-time box office charts... we'll know by Sunday 
how that's going to pan out. 
Also up this week is more Oscar/Golden Globe goodness in the form of Carol, 
which is unlikely to have wide appeal, even though the critics are raving 
about it.  
On the local side, there's a new Afrikaans rom-com from Darryl Roodt, of all 
people ... not his usual genre at all :-) 
Note that due to Christmas next week, the new releases will open on the 24th. 
M O V I E S 
16 December 2015 
* Carol (13 NS) 
* Trouvoete (PG7-9 L) 
* The Last Witch Hunter (13 VH) 
* Star Wars: The Force Awakens (13 V) 	 
* Star Wars: The Force Awakens (3D) (13 V) 	 
* Star Wars: The Force Awakens (3D)(IMAX) (13 V) 	The Last Witch Hunter (13 VH) 
* Bajirao Mastani (Hindi) 
* Dilwale (Hindi)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 24 December.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Winter Fuel Payment 
Just so as any UK Pensioners out there know! 
About this time of the year, older UK taxpayers will again be receiving 
another 'Winter Fuel' payment and maybe the £10 bonus payment. This is 
indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A 
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment? 
A. It is money that the government will send to tax paying State Pensioners 
Q. Where will the government get this money? 
A. From taxpayers 
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? 
A. Only a smidgen of it 
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? 
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and 
electricity...or a high-definition flat screen TV set, thus stimulating 
the economy 
Q. But isn't buying a TV set stimulating the economy of China? 
A. Shut up 
Here is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by 
spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely: 
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, 
Ireland & Luxemburg 
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein 
*If you spend it on eBay your money will go Ireland 
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs 
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China 
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or 
* If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Rumania or Bulgaria 
* If you give it to Oxfam 20% only will go abroad and 80% will remain in 
the hands of the administrators, who will spend it on fact finding missions 
to Cayman Islands, Thailand & Mauritius. 
* If you buy a foreign car it will go to Japan, Germany, France, India or 
Korea . 
* If you buy a British car it will go to Japan, Germany or India . 
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management 
bonuses and they will hide it offshore 
Instead, keep the money in the UK by: 
1. Spending it at car boot sales or charity shops 
2. Going to night clubs 
3. Spending it on call girls 
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch 
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo 
6. Visiting a bookie (These are the only UK businesses still operating in 
the U.K.) 
Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot 
sale and drink beer day and night! 
It's the patriotic thing to do. 
No need to thank me....just glad I could be of help! 
With the holidays close upon us, I would like to share a personal 
experience with  my friends about drinking and driving.  As you know, some 
of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to  
time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or 
friends.  Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an 
evening with friends and had  more than several whiskies followed by a 
couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although 
relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was  slightly over the 
limit.  That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi 
home!  Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it 
was a taxi they waved  it past and I arrived home safely without incident.  
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I 
 don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know 
what to do with it.  So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call. 
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old 
friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the 
hospital I visited her at home. 
'May I see the new baby?' I asked 
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can sit for a while first.' 
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 
'No, not yet,' She said. 
After another few minutes had elapsed, 
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?' 
'No, not yet,' replied my friend. Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, 
when can I see the baby?'' 
'When he CRIES!' she told me. 'When he CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have 
to wait until he CRIES?' 
'Because I forgot where I put him, OK!!' | 
An old drover walks into the barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, Northern 
Territory for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all 
his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. 
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the 
old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's 
finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd 
had in years but, he asked, "Isn't it a bit dangerous? What would happen if 
I accidentally swallowed it? " 
The barber replied, "No sweat mate, just bring it back in a couple of days 
like everyone else does." 
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... 
For example... 
A wife comes home late one evening, and quietly opens the door to the 
Master Bedroom. 
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. 
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts whacking the blanket as hard as 
she can. 
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a 
As she enters, she sees her husband there, leaning on the counter, reading 
a magazine. 
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit, so l let 'em stay 
in our bedroom. 
Did you say "hello"? 
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall 
was packed. 
Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her 
husband was nowhere around and she was very upset because they had a lot to 
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to 
ask him where he was. 
The husband in a calm voice said... "Honey remember the jewellery store we 
went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace 
that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one 
His wife said crying "Yes, I remember that jewellery store" & she sobbed. 
He said, "Well I'm in the bar next to it..." 
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy, but 
the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her 
feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children 
into this world,  she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted 
custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.  
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:  
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes 
out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?" 

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