Newsletter and jokes 25 December 2015

Hi all 
As expected, Star Wars: The Force Awakens smashed all sorts of box office 
records around the world, especially in the USA. No word yet of how it did 
locally but SA is traditionally not the best market for sci-fi films (with  
Avatar being the notable exception). It continued breaking records during 
the week, and they're expecting more this weekend. So it looks like  
Hollywood (and Disney in particular) is ending the year on a massive bang. 
Just by way of comparison, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2, after 5  
weeks on the US charts (4 at #1), had taken 254 M$. Star Wars, by the end 
of its first weekend, was already at 248 M$. 
Locally this week it's kind of a 'catch up and breathe' week... the big 
release had reviews embargoed until Christmas (when it opened Stateside) and 
the other two had disappointing performances in the US. 
On the previews side, there's previews all over today for The Good Dinosaur, 
which opens next week. 
Note that due to New Year next week, the new releases will open on the 31st. 
M O V I E S 
24 December 2015 
* Point Break (PG10-12 LV) 	 
* Point Break (3D) (PG10-12 LV) 	 
* Steve Jobs (13 L) 
* Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (PG)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 31 December.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
An oldie, but given the time of year and how much we eat ... 
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Brisbane. 
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us 
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your 
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be 
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs 
in our drinking water. 
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all 
have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that 
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' 
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised 
his hand, and softly said, 
'Wedding Cake?!' 
How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it. 
Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer! 
A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy. 
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. 
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. 
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. 
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo. 
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. 
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any 
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. 
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never 
met herbivore. 
When chemists die, they barium. 
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down. 
I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words. 
Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations. 
I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me. 
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she 
couldn't control  her pupils? 
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 
Broken pencils are pointless. 
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus. 
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. 
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.  The police 
have nothing to go on. 
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. 
Velcro - what a rip off! 
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last. 
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based 
in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants  
had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a 
quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager. 
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. 
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the 
interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job. 
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. 
This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job. 
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the 
question you got wrong. 
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another? 
Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't 
You put down - Neither do I. 
Airlines .... 
United Flight Attendant announced, 
'People, people, we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get 
in it!' 
On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your 
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd 
like to have.' 
An airline pilot wrote  that on this particular flight he had hammered his 
ship  into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required 
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, 
and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of 
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, 
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had 
gotten off except for a little old  lady walking with a cane. 
She said, •Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' 
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?' 
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an 
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our 
'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. 
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight 
Please do not leave children or spouses except for that gentleman over 
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake 
City; the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a 
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't 
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it 
Wasn’t the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.' 
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to 
smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can 
light 'em, you can smoke 'em.' 
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable 
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom; 
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 
Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good 
and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back 
and relax.... OH, MY GAWD!' 
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the 
intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you 
earlier.  While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally 
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my 
A passenger in coach yelled, ‘That’s nothing. You should see the back of 
A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats 
a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 
"Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No. I work for a condom 
company. These are customer complaints." 
An old nun, who was living in a convent next to a construction site, 
noticed the coar*e language of the workers and decided to spend some time 
with them to correct their ways. And so, she decided she would take her 
lunch and sit with the workers. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and 
walked over to the spot where the men were eating Sporting a big smile, she 
walked up to the group and asked: "And, do you men know Jesus Christ?" They 
shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused...One of the 
workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there 
know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down , "Why?" The worker 
yelled back," Cause his mom's here with his lunch." 

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