Newsletter and jokes 29 January 2016

Hi all 
This week's two widest release did not do too well when they opened last  
week in the USA, only managing to land at numbers 4 and 6. I guess the  
below-average reviews didn't help either. Here in SA, they're up against two 
new Oscar-nominated releases, including one from the venerable Mr. Tarantino,  
so we'll have to see how that plays out, and how they fare against all the  
other goodness already on circuit. 
There are a handful of previews next Wednesday for the upcoming Afrikaans 
rom-com Vir Altyd,  see the Previews page and remember to book. 
M O V I E S 
29 January 2016 
* The 33 (PG10-12 LP) 	 
* The 5th Wave (13 V) 
* Dirty Grandpa (16 LSD) 	 
* Saala Khadoos 
* The Danish Girl (16 N) 	 
* The Hateful Eight (18 LVP) 
* Mastizaade  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 5 February.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A thoughtful Scottish Husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his 
way down to the local pub, 
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, Maggie - put your hat 
and coat on, lassie 
She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with 
you? ' 
'Naw, Jock replied I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.' 
"You know you're getting old, when you go to the Chemist more often than 
the Pub. 
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.  People move out of the way much 
faster now! 
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? 
That's common sense leaving your body. 
I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" 
gets thrown around in the courtroom. 
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I 
feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. 
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar… 
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" 
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" 
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I 
think I've got that right, now." 
Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop 
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it 
seems to be all right." 
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?" 
Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years." 
Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" 
Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and 
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards 
him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green 
or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." 
"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger. 
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and 
call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his 
Tiger: "What's your handicap?" 
Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer." 
Woods, totally amazed, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round 
Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, 
and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?" 
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that. Okay, I'm game for 
that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?" 
Stevie: "Pick a night." 
When you do this test you will know why you have received this test!!!! 
Which of the following names are you familiar with? 
1. Monica Lewinski 
2. Tony Blair 
3. Robert Mugabe 
4. Jack the Ripper 
5. Jorge Bergoglio 
6. Winnie Mandela 
7. Barrack Obama 
8. Paris Hilton 
9. Sepp Blatter 
You had trouble with No 5? 
You seem to know the criminals, murderers, thieves, "friendlies", liars and 
cheats, but you don't know the Pope!!! 

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