Newsletter and jokes 18 March 2016

Hi all 
Well it's long weekend and holidays, so enjoy... and if you're on the roads, 
please take extra care ... 
A full lineup again this week, headed by further installments in two very 
different series. Judging by their ratings and performances overseas, I  
expect Po to emerge victorious, though whether he'll beat the bunny from  
Zootropolis, I don't know.... 
Zootropolis remained on top of the local box office last week... in fact 
last week's new movies put in a dismal showing, with Zoolander 2 only  
managing to come in at number 5 on the top ten list. 
Stateside, Zootropolis (or Zootopia, as it is known there) is expected to 
stay at the top for the third week running, which does not say much for  
this week's new releases there. 
I've seen Zootropolis, it's pretty good, with some really sly comments on 
political correctness, prejudice, political conniving, government, etc...  
which the adults will pick up on but which will go over the heads of the  
There's a new Afrikaans film releasing today which is technically arthouse 
fare, it will be interesting to see how it does. Vir Altyd is still doing 
well, while last week's Sonskyn Beperk just squeaked into the top ten. 
On the previews side, there are previews at NuMetro venues all day Monday  
and Tuesday night for My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2, see the previews page and  
remember to book. 
Lastly, because of Easter next week, this is a short week with next week's 
releases opening on Thursday. 
M O V I E S 
18 March 2016 
* Sink (13 V) 	 
* Risen (10 V) 	 
* Remember (13 LVP) 	 
* Kung Fu Panda 3 (PG V) 
* Kung Fu Panda 3 (3D) (PG V) 
* Sleeping with Other People (16 LS IAT) 	 
* The Divergent Series: Allegiant (PG10-12 V) 
* The Divergent Series: Allegiant (IMAX) (PG10-12 V) 
* Kapoor & Sons (Hindi)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
Added US and UK Top Tens  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 24 March.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from 
serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. 
On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial 
was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench. 
"Your Honour," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am 
prejudiced against the defendant." 
"Oh?" the judge said. 
"Yes!" the man replied. "I took one look at the man in the blue suit with 
those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! 
He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honour, I could not possibly stay on 
this jury!" 
The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of 
juror we are looking for -- a good judge of character." 
"But your honour!" the man protested. "How can you say that?!" 
"Because," the judge said, "that man is the defendant's lawyer." 
This is an oldie but I guess still relevant to some people.... 
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to 
drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine 
if they did.... 
*Call No. 1* 
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" 
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" 
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" 
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?" 
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and 
turns over the engine." 
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of 
these technical terms just to use my car?" 
*Call No. 2* 
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" 
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" 
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?" 
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?" 
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and 
markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?" 
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?" 
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase 
some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to 
install it for you." 
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $20,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have 
to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything 
built in!" 
*Call No. 3* 
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" 
CUSTOMER: "Your car sucks!" 
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?" 
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!" 
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?" 
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all 
the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now 
it won't start!" 
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you 
expect us to do about it?" 
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't 
crash anymore!" 
*Call No. 4* 
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" 
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it 
has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, 
and power door locks." 
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" 
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?" 
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" 
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?" 
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" 
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!" 
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to 
become not just a writer, but a/great/writer. 
"That will take a lot of work," people warned him. He didn't relent in his 
"That's not easy, son," his dad said gently. But the young man was 
determined: he wanted to be/great./ 
What did he/mean/by "great," someone finally asked. How would he measure 
his success? 
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people 
will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, 
cry, howl in pain and anger!" he said, "because/that/would be the mark of a 
great writer!" 
Well, a wise career counsellor helped him get his wish! 
That young man now works for Microsoft -- writing error messages. 
Yorkshire accents... 
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet, and says, "Ayup, lad, I need to 
talk to thee about me cat." 
The vet says, "Is it a tom?" 
The Yorkshireman replies, "Nay, I've browt it wi me." 
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have 
a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. 
He says, "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" 
The jeweller asks, "D'ya want it 18 carat?" 
The Yorkshireman replies, "Naw, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!" 
As you know, the election circus is running wild in America. Some advice... 
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno. 
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII. 
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public 
office ~ Aesop. 
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union 
speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers. 
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even 
where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev. 
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm 
beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow. 
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your 
opponents will do it for you. ~ Author unknown. 
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, 
go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton. 
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign 
funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar 
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Tex 
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be 
left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle. 
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to 
change the locks. ~ Doug Larson. 
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on 
senators. ~ Will Rogers. 
I offer my opponents a bargain: If they will stop telling lies about us, I  
will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, 1952. 

Xax International logo
 Xax International
 All rights reserved.