Newsletter and jokes 6 May 2016

Hi all 
Well it's Mother's Day on Sunday so we have the latest Garry Marshall 
holiday-themed tie-in movie to celebrate. Unfortunately it's not exactly 
in Pretty Woman or even The Princess Diaries class, judging by the reviews. 
The big release is the adult comedy Bad Neighbours 2, which in contrast  
(and unexpectedly) actually got some decent reviews. 
Also up is a new Afrikaans love triangle, a faith-based drama, and some  
smaller releases for niche markets. 
There are a few previews next Thursday for the upcoming Afrikaans film  
Uitvlucht, see the Previews page and remember to book. 
M O V I E S 
Released 6 May 2016 
* 24 (Tamil) 
* Miracles From Heaven (PG) 
* Regression (16 LH) 
* Mignon Mossie Van Wyk (PG10-12) 
* Bad Neighbours 2 (16 LSD) 
* Mother's Day (PG7-9 L)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 13 May.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (beefcake for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list. 
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until 
you hear them speak. 
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 
5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 
6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a 
fruit salad. 
7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell 
you why it isn't. 
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is 
9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks. 
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, 
notify:' I put "DOCTOR." 
11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 
12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the 
street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are s*xy. 
13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a 
successful man is usually another woman. 
14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 
15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to 
skydive twice. 
16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live 
17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...  holding someone down so 
they can't get away. 
18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 
19. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 
20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit 
the target. 
21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 
22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in 
a garage makes you a car. 
24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it's getting harder and 
harder for me to find one. 
European Union Directive No. 456179 
In order to bring about further integration  all citizens of the United 
Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the 
phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 30 April 2016. 
From this date onwards, the correct term will be:"Euronating". 
It is hoped that this will be a great-relief to everyone. 
If you have any questions, just give us a tinkle. 
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference 
between these two words.  In a recent linguistic competition held in London 
and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a 
Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted 
over 5 minutes. 
The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE 
and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is 
no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. 
Here is his astute answer: 
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong 
woman, you are FINISHED.  And when the right one catches you with the wrong 
one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!! 
A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start 
eying each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing. He slips 
a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted. 
Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He waits 
five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom 
on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure. 
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up 
to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. 
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, 
and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those 
cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector." 
And what were you thinking? 
I worry about you sometimes! 
Rerunning an oldie ... 
200 crows were found dead recently and there was concern that it may have 
been caused by avian flu. 
A bird pathologist examined the remains and to, everyone's relief, 
confirmed that the problem was not avian flu, but rather vehicular impact. 
Varying colours of paint appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By 
analysing the paint residues it was determined 98% of the crows had been 
killed by trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars. 
An ornithological behaviourist was hired to determine  if there was a cause 
for the disproportionate percentage of truck kills versus car kills. 
He very quickly concluded the cause.  When crows eat roadkill, they always 
have a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger 
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout 'CAH', not a 
single one could shout 'TRUCK'! 
... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. 
... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 
... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. 
... The batteries were given out free of charge. 
... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. 
... A will is a dead giveaway. 
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 
... A boiled egg is hard to beat. 
... When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 
... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was 
resisting a rest. 
... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?   
He's all right now. 
... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. 
... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 
... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. 
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye. 
... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it. 
... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the 

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