Newsletter and jokes 27 May 2016

Hi all 
Two big releases this week, to distract you from the exams. First up is 
Alice going back to where things are weird, while the other is a kinda 
buddy-cop movie without the cops, providing action and thrills. 
Also up is Melissa McCarthy doing what she does best, although it appears 
that the version releasing here is a bit tamer than what the Yanks got to 
see. Probably hit a wider market that way. 
Lastly, there are previews all over today and tomorrow for upcoming local  
rom-com Mrs Right Guy... see the Previews page and remember to book. 
M O V I E S 
Released 27 May 2016 
* The Boss (13 L) 
* Alice Through the Looking Glass (PG V) 
* Alice Through the Looking Glass (3D) (PG V) 
* Alice Through the Looking Glass (3D)(IMAX) (PG V) 
* The Road Within (16 LSD) 
* Bastille Day (13 LVN) 
* Idhu Namma Aalu (Tamil)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 3 June.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (wallpaper for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A fellow turns to his wife in bed and whispers, "Did you know that today is 
National Orgasm Day?" 
"Oh,what a pity," she said, "Right in the middle of National Headache 
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the 
"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went 
"Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after 
you wear them a while." 
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a 
worthless doc*ment." 
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." 
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because, that's the speed of 
the bullet that'll be chasing you." 
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write 
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" 
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will 
help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" 
"Warning! You want a warning? O. K, I'm warning you not to do that again or 
I'll give you another ticket." 
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or 
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" 
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride 
on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." 
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." 
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." 
"How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?" 
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to 
write as many tickets as we can." 
"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. 
So you know someone who can post your bail." 
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. 
Sign here." 
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" the irate customer calling the newspaper 
office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was. 
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Sat*rday. The Sunday paper 
is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY". 
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a 
ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, ....... so that's 
why no one was at church today." 
One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Colorado were listening 
to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going 
to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the 
even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So 
the good wife went out and moved her car. 
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer 
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your 
car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get 
through." The good wife went out and move d her car again. 
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer 
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow and just then the 
electricity went off. The wife had a worried look on her face when she 
said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need  
to park on so the snowplows can get through?" 
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married 
to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied... . . . "Why don't you just leave  
it in the garage this time?" 
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a 
Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him 
why, he replied, 'Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last 
And that's how the fight started... 

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