Newsletter and jokes 15 July 2016

Hi all 
The tail end of the holidays, so this week's releases are a little more  
low-key than normal, although the big release this week (Tarzan) is managing 
to hold up okay overseas, despite the so-so critical reviews. The CinemaScore 
rating was pretty good (based on exit interviews at the cinemas). 
Over in the US, The Secret Life of Pets set a new opening record for the first 
episode in a new animated series. It was the sixth film to open there with 
more than 100 M$, which equals the previous record (set last year), and we're 
only half way through the year ... Meanwhile Finding Dory has become the highest 
grossing release in the USA for 2016, and still has a few weeks left in the  
Top Ten. 
No previews this week. 
M O V I E S 
Released 15 July 2016 
* The Legend of Tarzan (PG10-12 V) 
* The Legend of Tarzan (3D) (PG10-12 V) 
* The Legend of Tarzan (3D)(IMAX) (PG10-12 V) 
* The Legend of Tarzan (4DX) (PG10-12 V) 
* Genius (10 DL) 
* Marauders (16 LV) 
* The Idol (PG7-9 V) 
* Get a Job (16 L) 
* Appa (Tamil)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 22 July.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing 
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a 
big hole in the seat of your trousers." 
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of 
trousers for that suit." 
"Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I 
used them to patch the hole." 
A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls 
of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next 
door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in 
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your 
"Ten," said Buffy. 
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 
rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the 
bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!" 
"Yes," said Buffy. "So do I." 
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his 
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you 
could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that 
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one." 
Paddy was in New York . 
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street 
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, 
pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. 
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. 
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went 
over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?' 
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. 
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, 
then it would come crashing back down to earth. 
I tried this a few more times with no success. 
All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window, 
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. 
She opens the window and yelled to me, 
'You need a piece of tail.' 
I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.' 
Happily married ... 
After Bob died, everyone gathered at his funeral. Then the minister started 
to speak: "He was a model husband, a decent man, a terrific father.." 
The widow then makes a motion for her son to come to her. 
"What is it mother?" he whisper. 
"Dear, go check the casket, I think we're at the wrong funeral..." 
Wife: "What are you doing?" 
Husband: "Nothing." 
Wife: "What do you mean nothing? You've been staring at our marriage 
certificate for over an hour!" 
Husband: "Yea, I'm checking the expiration date." 
"The new neighbors are so in love," remarks Susan to her husband, "he hugs 
her, kisses her and strokes her hair. Why don't you do that?" 
"Because I don't know her that well." 
"Hello sir, would you like to contribute something to the old folks home?" 
"Yes, actually." Beams the old man. 
"Inge, put your jacket on and pack a suitcase!" 
A woman asks her husband: 
"What do you like about me the most? My beautiful face or my sexy body?" 
The husband gives her a long, appreciating look. 
"Your sense of humour." 
Sunday school... 
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of 
fishing when he was on the Ark?" 
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms." 
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We  have been learning how 
powerful kings and queens  were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher 
Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" 
One child  blurted out,  "Aces!" 
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused 
and bowed his head for a  moment before starting his sermon. One day, she 
asked him why. 
"Well, Honey," he began,  proud that his daughter was so observant of his 
messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." 
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked. 
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's 
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. 
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 
"Johnny!  Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. 
"I don't need to," the boy  replied. 
"Of course,  you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before 
eating at our house." 
"That's at our house." Johnny explained.  "But this is Grandma's house and 
she knows how to cook!" 

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