Newsletter and jokes 5 August 2016

Hi all 
Suicide Squad opens all over today. They're expecting big things from it States 
side (also releasing today), even though the press reviews were pretty  
miserable. It's already set the record for biggest August release (number of  
cinemas) there. We'll have to see how it plays here. 
The rest of the lineup is smaller releases, including a new South African film, 
as well as more Le Carre on the arthouse circuit. 
There are previews all day Tuesday for Florence Foster Jenkins, see the previews 
page and remember to book ... 
If you're off on Monday, enjoy the break. :-) 
M O V I E S 
Released 5 August 2016 
* Suicide Squad (PG10-12 LV) 
* Suicide Squad (3D) (PG10-12 LV) 
* Suicide Squad (3D)(IMAX) (PG10-12 LV) 
* Suicide Squad (4DX) (PG10-12 LV) 
* My Father's War (PG10-12) 
* Our Kind of Traitor (16 LV) 
* The Meddler (PG7-9 D) 
* Fever (Hindi)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 12 August.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
I got my gun permit so --  
Yesterday, I went over to the local Walmart to get a small 9 mm for home 
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip 
down, facing me."  
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos 
running amok, I did just as she had instructed. 
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she 
was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!! 
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. 
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. 
I still don't think I looked that bad. 
Wife: I wish I were a newspaper so I'd be in your hands all day. 
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one   
every day! 
Husband to wife "Today is a fine day."  
Next day he says: "Today is a fine day." 
Again next day, he says same thing  "Today is a fine day." 
Finally after a week, the wife asks her husband "Since last week, you are 
saying today is a fine day. I am fed up. Whats the matter?"  
Husband: "Last week when we had an argument, you said, I will leave you one fine 
day. I was just trying to remind you." 
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. 
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made 
it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when 
his van ran out of petrol. 
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an 
obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the 
"I had no Monet 
to buy Degas 
to make the Van Gogh." 
See if you have De Gaulle to 
send this on to someone else.. 
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse. 
And while we're on the topic ... sign on a music teacher's door: 
Orff Chopin with Listz, Bach in a minuet. 
A travelling salesman's car broke down so he found his way to the farmer's 
house. They welcomed him and offered him a glass of lemonade while Junior 
fixed his jalopy. The salesman noticed a pig sitting by the edge of the 
porch that had only two legs. He asked about it. 
"Well," said the farmer, "That's Henry. He's no ordinary pig. Last year we 
was all a-sleepin' when the house caught fire. Henry come 
a-running' in and woke us all up and saved every last one of us from a 
fiery death. No sir, he's no ordinary pig. 
Then, around Christmas, I fell under the tractor and woulda been chewed up 
somethin' fierce if Henry hadn't seen it and dragged me out in the nick of 
time. Why, just last month the banker come around to take away the farm and 
Henry run him off and we never seen him again. Yes sir, Henry is no 
ordinary pig, that's for sure." 
The salesman was humbled. "But why does he only have two legs?" he asked. 
"Well, you see, son," said the farmer, "A pig like that you don't eat all 
at once." 
Some quickies... 
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his whole family were avid 
bowlers. However, since all the Swiss league records were unfortunately 
destroyed in a fire, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. 
A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm 
"Now, settle down," replied the doc calmly, "You'll just have to be a 
little patient." 
An Indian chief, feeling very sick, summoned the medicine man. After a 
brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk 
rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and 
swallow one inch of the leather every day. 
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. 
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers 
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage to find his name 
missing from the town register. 
His wife loudly complained about the insult, and a civic official who 
apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." 
A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies 
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a 
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. 
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the 
eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, 
who needs enemas?" 

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