Newsletter and jokes 5 August 2016

Hi all 
Sorry this is rather late this week, bad convergence of work and family issues. 
Anyway, some worthwhile releases on circuit this week, even the Pick of the Week 
was originally a tie until I added the local press ratings, and then a different 
film won... so enjoy. 
For the kiddies there's the new version of Pete's Dragon, while the arthouse 
crowd can enjoy a woman who can't sing ... 
Also up is a mult-award-winning South African documentary feature, and two  
And if you prefer something a little more low-brow, we've got you covered there 
too... :-) 
There are previews next Wednesday and Thursday evening for the chick-flick  
Bad Moms (day varies by venue), see the previews page and remember to book. 
M O V I E S 
Released 12 August 2016 
* Florence Foster Jenkins (PG10-12) 
* Pete's Dragon (PG) 
* Pete's Dragon (3D) (PG) 
* Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates (16 LNSD) 
* Alison (13 V SV) 
* Rustom 
* Mohenjo Daro  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 19 August.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to meet some 
friends and have some hot Wings and an ice tea. After being there for a 
while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck 
in an elevator with.I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators". 
I'm old, I'm tired, and I have to pee a lot. 
Dear Abbey, 
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning 
and when I confront him, he denies everything.  What's worse, everyone 
knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating. 
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new 
one.  All he does all day is smoke cigars, play golf, cruise around and 
shoot ball with his buddies and has s*x with hookers, while I work so hard 
to pay our bills. 
Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't 
even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. 
What should I do? 
Dear Confused: 
Grow up and dump him. 
You don't need him anymore! 
Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States! 
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say 
concerning the union of the bride and groom. 
It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. 
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying 
a baby. 
She started slowly walking toward the pastor. 
Everything quickly turned to chaos. 
The bride slapped the groom. 
The groom's mother fainted. 
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to 
help save the situation. 
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do 
you have to say?" 
The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back." 
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor 
and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. 
 "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 
45 minutes." 
 They were seated immediately. 
 The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 
"hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have passed. 
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the 
aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her 
father and placed something in his hand. 
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the 
priest smiled broadly. 
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit 
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your 
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what 
would you like them to say?" 
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine 
spiritual leader, and a great family man." 
  Eugene  commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher 
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.." 
  Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'" 
  John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, 
dear," he said. 
 "Of course, John," his wife said softly. 
 "Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob." 
 "But I thought you hated Bob," she said.. 
 With his last breath John said, "I do!" 
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him 
how he ended up this way. 
 He said: "Up until last week, I still had it all!!! I had a roof over my 
head, a cook, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had TV, internet, I went 
to the gym, the pool, the library, school if I wanted ..." 
 I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce???" 
"Oh no, nothing like that" he said. "No, no ... I got out of prison! 
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here 
is one: 
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree 
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a 
son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but 
just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. 
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if hat is 
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' 
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither 
a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of 
ash I have ever poked my pecker into. 
An oldie, in more ways than one, but good advice. 
 He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, 
brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger 
stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in 
the other. 
 The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old 
man, have you ever danced?" 
 The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, never did dance,,, 
never really wanted to." 
 A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old 
man, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. 
 The old man prospector not wanting to get his toe blown off, started 
hopping around. Everybody was laughing. 
 When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, 
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. 
 The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled 
shotgun, and c*cked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through 
the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. 
 The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very 
slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young 
gunman stared at the old man and the large gaping holes of those twin gun 
 The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he 
quietly said, "Son, Have you ever licked a mule's backside?" 
 The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No Sir ... But... I've always 
wanted to." 
 There are a few lessons for us all here: 
1 - Never be arrogant. 
2 - Don't waste ammunition. 
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. 
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power. 
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid. 
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you! 

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