Newsletter and jokes 5 August 2016

Hi all 
Curiously, there are two cell-phoned themed movies this week, taking a different 
look at the technology that has become such a crucial part of our lives. 
The big release is the chick-flick Bad Moms, which I hope is not based on 
reality ;-) 
Also up is an animated film which, going by reviews, boasts stunning animation. 
Note that it's not really suitably for very young kids. 
On the art circuit, we've got a biopic on legendary footballer Pelé. 
No previews this week. 
M O V I E S 
Released 12 August 2016 
* Bad Moms (13 LND) 
* Cell (16 VH) 
* Nerve (16 V) 
* Kubo and the two Strings (PG10-12) 
* Kubo and the two Strings (3D) (PG10-12) 
* Pelé: Birth of a Legend (PG) 
* Happy Bhag Jayegi  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 26 August.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a 
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. 
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old 
shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!' 
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from 
his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not 
necessarily those of his parents.' 
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her 
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the 
phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's 
hitting the bottle.' 
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker 
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, 
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched 
in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a 
little boy before? ' 
5) POLICE # 1 
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was 
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my 
uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing 
the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. 
Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said a 
s she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' 
6) POLICE # 2 
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the 
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, 
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back 
there?' he asked. 
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the 
back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?' 
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly 
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. 
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, 
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day 
I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I 
braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned 
and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!' 
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her 
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 
'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the 
next morning.' 
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard 
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that 
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton 
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. 
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with 
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always 
'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he 
goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!) 
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting 
my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they 
won't let me talk!' 
11) BIBLE 
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered 
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He 
picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that 
had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, 
look what I found,' the boy called out.. 'What have you got there, dear?' 
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 
'I think it's Adam's underwear!'   
If you receive an email from the Department of Health, telling you not to 
eat tinned pork because of swine flu, ignore it. 
It's spam. 
An oldie... 
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. 
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he 
fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and 
peach trees. 
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't 
been there for a while, and look it over. 
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. 
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. 
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in 
his pond. 
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. 
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' 
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim 
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' 
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...' 
Some old men can still think fast. 

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