Newsletter and jokes 9 September 2016

Hi all 
This week's big release sees Tom Hanks swapping his boat for a plane. Possibly  
he was still upset that Leo got to be the flyboy in Catch Me If You Can. 
Also up is a very adult animated comedy... don't even think of taking the little 
ones to that :-) 
Instead, the little ones can catch Fireman Sam, which is only showing over the 
weekend. Art patrons have a new film (not to be confused with the same-named  
Chocolat from a few years back). And lastly the Indian subcontinent has blessed 
us with three new releases this week. 
There's a Girl's Night Out next week where the ladies can get to enjoy Bridget 
Jones dealing with her pregnancy ... see the previews page and remember to  
Enjoy :-) 
M O V I E S 
Released 9 September 2016 
* Sully (PG10-12 V) 
* Sully (IMAX) (PG10-12 V) 
* Sausage Party (16 LSVD) 
* Chocolat (13 VP) 
* Fireman Sam: Heroes of the Storm (PG) 
* Baar Baar Dekho (Hindi) 
* Freaky Ali (Hindi) 
* Janaan (probably Hindi)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 16 September.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he 
thought she might need a hearing aid. 
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss 
the problem. 
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could 
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, 
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. 
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.' 
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the 
den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' 
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' 
No response. 
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and 
repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?' 
Still no response. 
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife 
and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' 
Again he gets no response. 
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for 
Again there is no response. 
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?' 
(I just love this) 
Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!' 
I took off my new girlfriend's glasses last night and said, "Wow, you're 
stunning!" She said, "And so are you, suddenly." 
An old girlfriend once complained that I was treating her like a slave. So 
I sold her. 
'Symptoms of stress are eating & smoking too much & driving too fast'. Are 
they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. 
Not paying back interest on money you've borrowed = criminal. Lending money 
that isn't yours & gaining interest = banker. (and that's not a joke... Ed.) 
A detective should always carry a thin piece of paper and a pencil. Just in 
case they need to trace somebody. 
I've lost my camouflage jacket. 
Two blondes walk into a building.......... You'd think at least one of 
them would have seen it. 
Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, 
press the hash key...' 
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he 
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are 
too high.' 
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the 
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat 
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with 
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. 
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' 
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and 
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one 
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They 
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking fine.' So that was 
A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several 
places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore' 
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small 
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue 
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb 
as digging continues into the night. 

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