Newsletter and jokes 30 September 2016

Hi all 
Holiday time again... enjoy. At least today looks a bit like spring, unlike the 
last few days. 
Two big releases this week, one for the kiddies, which has done very well 
internationally already (we're getting it a bit late), and another for older 
There's also a new SA Afrikaans rom-com to put you in the mood for love... 
And lastly, a Hindi bio-pic of the Indian cricket captain, and a German  
post-WW-II investigate drama. 
On the previews side there are previews at selected cinemas next Thursday  
evening for The Girl on the Train. See the previews page and remember to book. 
Final tidbit: Noem my Skollie has been selected as South Africa's entry to the  
Foreign Language Oscars for this year. Congrats... it's still on circuit.... 
Enjoy :-) 
M O V I E S 
Released 30 September 2016 
* The Secret Life of Pets (PG V) 
* The Secret Life of Pets (3D) (PG V) 
* Deepwater Horizon (13 LV) 
* Deepwater Horizon (IMAX) (13 LV) 
* Deepwater Horizon (4DX) (13 LV) 
* Sy klink soos lente (PG10-12 L) 
* Labyrinth of Lies (13 V) 
* M.S. Dhoni: The Untold Story  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 7 October.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go. 
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big 
round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. 
I ate a pizza. 
3. How to  prepare Tofu: 
a.  Throw it in the trash 
b.  Grill some meat 
4. I just  did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web. 
5. I don't  mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 
20 minutes. 
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live 
longer than  men who mention it. 
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to 
walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel. 
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me. 
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out 
they closed school? Me neither. 
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or 
talented. I forgot where I was going with this. 
11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money 
so I woke up and searched with him. 
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call 
it a  day. 
14. November 6, 2016 will be the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you 
don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Sat*rday night. 
15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. 
I recently spent $1500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him 
out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. 
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. 
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was 
very healthy, but possibly just a little young, 
so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. 
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! 
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! 
He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him 
but they kind of taste like peppermint!!.. 
I've joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I still drink but I use a different name. 
Marriage is like a witness protection scheme.You get new clothes, home, 
hair cut & you can't to see your old mates any more. 
I met a bloke with a cucumber up his nose and a banana in his ear. "I feel 
ill" he said. "Try eating sensibly" I said. 
I was in a fight last night & the bloke pulled a razor out. He'd have used 
it too, if he'd found somewhere to plug it in. 
A rerun of some puns.... 
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He 
acquired his size from too much pi. 
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to 
be an optical Aleutian . 
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was 
a weapon of math disruption. 
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his 
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum 
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.. 
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking 
into it. 
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the 
other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head." 
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass." 
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his 
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet." 
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at 
19. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned 
20. A backward poet writes inverse. 
21. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your 
count that votes. 
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 
23. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects! 

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