Newsletter and jokes 21 October 2016

Hi all 
We're heading for that dead time of year again as regards films on circuit.  
The matrics are busy with their (hopefully) finals (and good luck to all), while 
some students think rioting is more important. They're in for reality shock if 
they ever get a real job. 
Anyway, movies ... Jack Reacher is back, as well as Tyler Perry's Madea  
character. The colourful Trolls are here to entertain the kids, while the  
arthouse crowd can take in a boxing biopic about Roberto Duran. 
The Nouveas are kicking off their annual ballet season, which this week sees 
the Bolshoi ballet performing The Bright Stream. There's only a few screenings 
so be sure to book. 
Lastly the annual BANF mountaineering festival is running at selected venues. 
Enjoy :-) 
M O V I E S 
Released 14 October 2016 
Trolls (PG V) 
Trolls (3D) (PG V) 
Trolls (4DX) (PG V) 
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (13 LV) 
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (IMAX) (13 LV) 
Hands of Stone (16 LVNS) 
Boo! A Madea Halloween (PG10-12 L)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 28 October.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
"Summer is coming. It gets early quickly." 
    - my gardener 
A rerun... been a while. 
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his 
mouth, reading, "8 lamb chops, please." 
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a  bag of chops in the dog's mouth and 
quickly closes the shop. 
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways 
and trot across the road to a bus-stop. 
The  dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. 
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front, looks at the number, then 
boards the bus. 
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.  As the bus  travels out into the suburbs, 
the dog takes in the scenery. 
After a while he stands on his back paws, pushes the "stop" bell and gets 
off.   The butcher follows. 
The dog runs up  to a house, drops his bag on the steps and barks 
repeatedly.  No answer. 
He goes back down the path, takes  a big run and throws himself, whap, 
against the door. He does this over and over.   No answer. 
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks  repeatedly at a 
window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. 
Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the 
The butcher runs up screaming at the guy: "What the  hell are you doing?  
Stop screaming at the dog... he's a genius!" 
The owner responds, "Genius, my foot.  It's the second time this week he's 
forgotten his key!" 
Some quickies: 
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next poop could spell 
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport. 
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. 
"German," she replies. 
"No, just here for a few days." 
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a meter maid's 
funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me 
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, 
"Too late, the paperwork's already done." 
I woke up this morning at 8am and could sense something was wrong. 
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not  
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. 
Then I remembered! the local cafe serves breakfast until 11.30. 
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old 
gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous 
destinations around the world. 
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window 
gave him a rare feeling of generosity. 
He called them into his shop ,  "I know that on your pension you could 
never hope to have a great holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous 
resort at my expense and I won't take 'no' for an answer." 
He took them inside and asked his secretary to arrange two flight tickets 
and book a room in a five star hotel." 
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off! 
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. 
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to 
thank you, but one thing puzzled me. 
Who was that old geezer I had to share the room with?" 
A new blonde joke.... 
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up  to me in the 
driveway just jumping for joy! 
I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I 
starting jumping up and down along with her. 
She said,  Sally,  I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me 
why you're so happy." 
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and 
down, told me that she was pregnant! 
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I 
couldn't be happier for you!" 
Then she said, "There's more." 
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" 
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have 
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her 
how she knew. She said... 
"That was the easy part. I went to chemist and they actually had a home 
pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!" 
A fellow sat on the barber's chair "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine... 
The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the cut-throat razor, while a  
woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful real breasts that he had ever  
seen knelt down And began to shine his shoes. 
The fellow said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel 
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that." 
The fellow said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the 
She said, "You tell him; you're closer 

Xax International logo
 Xax International
 All rights reserved.