Newsletter and jokes 28 October 2016


 
Hi all 
 
A full lineup this week, as the weather heats up. Remember cinemas are  
air-conditioned :-) 
 
There are two big releases, as well as the obligatory for this time of year 
Halloween / horror and Diwali releases ... there's even one from Kollywood which 
tries to cover both genres at the same time. 
 
Also up is a new South African film which takes a piercing look at our criminal 
justice system. 
 
There are some previews TONIGHT for When the Bough Breaks, see the previews 
page for venues. 
 
Enjoy :-) 
 
M O V I E S 
 
Released 28 October 2016 
 
* The Accountant (16 LV PPS) 
* Keeping Up with the Joneses (PG10-12 V) 
* Indignation (13 LS) 
* Ouija: Origin of Evil (13 HV) 
* Shepherds and Butchers (16 V) 
* Ae Dil Hai Mushkil (Hindi) 
* Shivaay (Hindi) 
* Kaashmora (Tamil) 
* Thomas & Friends: The Great Race (PG) 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm  
 
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit) 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm  
 
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm  
 
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia) 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm  
 
Forthcoming attractions for 4 November. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm  
 
Updated the pic and quote on the home page 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/  
 
This Week's pinup 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (for the gals)  
 
Pick of the Week 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm  
 
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm  
 
List of all movies showing 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm  
 
Same list sorted by Age Restriction 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm  
 
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm  
 
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
 
Cheers, Ian 
 
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Some quickies sent in by reader Dhruval. Thanks :-) 
 
1) I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. 
2) Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common. 
3) Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender. (or 7 8 9) 
4) What do you call when Batman skips church? Christian Bale 
5) Whats the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know but their flag 
is a huge plus. 
6) Shout out to the people who want to know what the opposite of in is. 
 
An apple a day will keep anyone away, if thrown hard enough. 
 
What is Generation Gap? 
Father used to walk 20mins to save $20 
Son spends $20 to save 20mins 
 
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It's the US election circus again so the old jokes get trotted out. (By the way, 
Barnum Bailey Ringling Brothers contacted both the Democrats and Republicans and 
demanded their circus back ... unfair competition.) 
 
Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with 
the Secret Service people directly behind them. 
 
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to 
Bill. 
 
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the 
agent, and shakes his head "no". The agent then says, "Mr. President, it 
was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to 
the bat boy." 
 
Bill hesitates ... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him 
the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If 
that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby..." With that, Bill gets 
up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and 
tosses her right over the wall onto the field. 
 
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you"!$#@&!". The crowd goes 
absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and 
hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the 
crowd. 
 
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that; I would have never 
believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" 
 
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. 
 
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first 
'pitch'." 
 
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Another oldie... I swear there are no new jokes. 
 
A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency to arrange an 
adoption. 
 
Social workers there raised doubts about their suitability to adopt. 
 
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped 
with a beautiful nursery. 
 
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child 
would get. 
 
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the 
usual subjects along with Spanish, French and computer skills." 
 
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. 
 
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet." 
 
The social workers are finally satisfied. 
 
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" 
 
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon." 
 
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I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full house 
and four people died. 
 
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.  I was an only 
child. . .eventually. 
 
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.  I put them in the 
same room and let them fight it out. 
 
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. 
 
I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.  I keep 
it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen some of it. 
 
I Xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra Xerox machine. 
 
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.  He said 
"I want my daughter back by 8:15."  I said, "the middle of August?  Cool!" 
 
I just got skylights put in my place.  The people who live above me are furious. 
 
I remember when the candle shop burned down.  Everyone stood around singing 
"Happy Birthday". 
 
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. 
 
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped.  I said, "No thanks 
- I'm not going that far." 
 
Ballerinas are always on their toes.  Why don't they just get taller ballerinas? 
 
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I saw a sign at a gas station.  It said 'Help Wanted'.  There was another 
sign below it that said 'Self Service'.  So I hired myself.  Then I made 
myself the boss.  I gave myself a raise.  Then I quit. 
 
I got a dog and named him `Stay'.  Now, I go `Come here, Stay!'  After a 
while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all. 
 
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time.  I think I've 
forgotten this before. 
 
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. 
 
What's another word for Thesaurus? 
 
You know how it is when you're the subject of a psychology experiment, and 
nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? 
I'm like that all the time. 
 
The sign in the supermarket queue said "Eight Items Or Less".  So I changed 
my name to Less. 
 
I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything specific. 
 
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I relaxed in 
front of the fire for the entire evening in only ten minutes. 
 
I have an answering machine in my car.  It says "I'm home now.  But leave a 
message and I'll call when I'm out." 
 
On the other hand, you have different fingers. 
 
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. 
 
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? 
 
Few women admit their age, few men act it. 
 
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. 
 
Love:  Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools. 
 
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them. 
 
Pride is what we have.  Vanity is what others have. 
 
Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 
 
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart." 
 
He who laughs last thinks slowest. 
 
Puritanism:  The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. 
 
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 
 
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? 
 



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