Newsletter and jokes 4 November 2016


 
Hi all 
 
Some good stuff on offer this week, from Doctor Strange to a modern western. 
 
Also something new from Pedro Almodavar, and a domestic drama. 
 
There's two new South African films releasing, one an Afrikaans rom-com, and the  
other an award-winning crime drama. 
 
There are previews all day Saturday and Sunday for the upcoming animated film 
Storks. See the previews page and remember to book. 
 
Please take care if the people around you celebrate Guy Fawkes. 
 
Enjoy :-) 
 
M O V I E S 
 
Released 4 November 2016 
 
* Doctor Strange (PG10-12 V) 
* Doctor Strange (3D) (PG10-12 V) 
* Doctor Strange (4DX) (PG10-12 V) 
* Doctor Strange (3D)(IMAX) (PG10-12 V) 
* Hell or High Water (16 LV) 
* Julieta (13 S) 
* Eintlik Nogal Baie (PG10-12 V) 
* Hatchet Hour (16 L) 
* When the Bough Breaks (13 LSV) 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm  
 
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit) 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm  
 
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm  
 
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia) 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm  
 
Forthcoming attractions for 11 November. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm  
 
Updated the pic and quote on the home page 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/  
 
This Week's pinup 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (for 
 
Pick of the Week 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm  
 
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm  
 
List of all movies showing 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm  
 
Same list sorted by Age Restriction 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm  
 
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm  
 
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
 
Cheers, Ian 
 
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Some quickies sent in by reader Dhruval. Thanks :-) 
 
1) I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. 
2) Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common. 
3) Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender. (or 7 8 9) 
4) What do you call when Batman skips church? Christian Bale 
5) Whats the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know but their flag 
is a huge plus. 
6) Shout out to the people who want to know what the opposite of in is. 
 
An apple a day will keep anyone away, if thrown hard enough. 
 
What is Generation Gap? 
Father used to walk 20mins to save $20 
Son spends $20 to save 20mins 
 
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There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. 
For example: 
A wife comes home late at night from work and quietly opens the door to her 
bedroom. 
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. 
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as 
she can. 
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a 
drink. 
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. 
"Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let 
them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?" 
 
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Seeking a weekend break from his campaign rallies; Donald Trump jetted to 
his yacht, which was docked off the coast of Italy. 
 
He invited Pope Francis and the press corps on board for a Sat*rday 
afternoon cruise.It was a rather windy day.The Pope's little hat, his 
zucchetto, was blown from his head and into the water. 
 
A crewman began lowering a boat to retrieve the zucchetto.Trump told the 
crewman not to bother. 
 
Trump climbed down the yacht's ladder; walked across the waves, picked up 
the zucchetto; walked back to the yacht and handed it to the Pope. 
 
The Pope and the press corps were amazed!Donald Trump could actually walk 
on water! 
 
Speculation immediately began as to how ABC, CNN, NBC, ABC, The Washington 
Post and New York Times would report this miraculous event to the rest of 
the world. 
 
The next morning the New York Times headline read . . . 
 
DONALD TRUMP CAN'T SWIM! 
 
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Kids... 
 
 JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... 
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one 
for cold milk?' 
 
 STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much 
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.' 
 
 BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in 
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom 
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes 
wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?' 
 
 SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't 
give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.' 
 
 DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I 
cost?' 
 
 CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what 
was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed 
when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?' 
 
 MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing 
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why 
is he whispering in her mouth?' 
 
 TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather 
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then 
asked, 
'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?' 
 
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Finally something new ... that doesn't go where you think it will... 
 
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe ... as it 
happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a 
rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with 
thunder and lightning. 
 
Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. 
 
Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, 
but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into atree. 
 
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. 
Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, 
with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob 
knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up 
and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He 
heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. 
 
He approaches the door and knocks. 
 
A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob 
immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. 
We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can 
I please use your phone?" 
 
"I'm sorry," repliedthe hunchback, "But we don't have a phone. But my 
master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!" 
 
Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'mafraid my 
assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. 
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic 
medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the 
laboratory." 
 
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob 
following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses 
from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining 
table. 
 
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. 
"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." 
 
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail , and Bob and Betty 
Hill both passed away. 
 
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps 
to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he 
has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, haunting melody 
fills the house. 
 
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, 
and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the 
haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, 
marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up 
straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the 
conservatory. 
 
He Bursts in and shouts to his Master, 
 
"Master, Master" 
 
"The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!" 
 
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I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this 
way. 
  He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my 
clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and 
Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. 
  I was working on my MBA on-line.I had no bills and no debt. I even had 
full medical and dental coverage." 
  I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened?Drugs? Alcohol? 
Divorce?" 
  "Oh no, nothing like that," he said."No, no. 
  I just got out of prison." 
   
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