Newsletter and jokes: 9 December 2016
Officially holiday season and we start off with some much-needed rain...
A busy week at the movies, made more so by next Friday's public holiday, which
means that the new releases open next Thursday. And that means the next episode
in the Star Wars saga... there are selected previews on Wednesday night for
This week, however, sees the third chapter with Dan Brown's ace investigator
delving into Dante's Inferno, while another classic (Robinson Crusoe) gets the
animated treatment, sans Man Friday (who I assume will put in an appearance in
Then we have the New Vampires aka Fallen Angels, in a teen-angst drama aimed at
the same audience that enjoyed Bella and The Boys. Moving up a bit on the
quality ladder brings in a Wall Street financial thriller and a well-rated
coming-of-age film, which curiously did not do so well Stateside or in the UK.
Our censor board rated it at 13 while the Yanks gave it an R (16), so I don't
know if we got a slightly tamer version.
Rounding out the lineup we have the ultimate inter-racial love story, as well as
something much lighter from Bollywood.
M O V I E S
Released 9 December 2016
* Inferno (13 V)
* Inferno (IMAX) (13 V)
* Robinson Crusoe (PG7-9)
* Robinson Crusoe (3D) (PG7-9)
* Fallen (PG10-12)
* Equity (13 L)
* The Edge of Seventeen (13 L)
* A United Kingdom (PG10-12 P)
* Befikre (Hindi)
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)
Forthcoming attractions for 15 December.
Updated the pic and quote on the home page
This Week's pinup
Pick of the Week
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
List of all movies showing
Same list sorted by Age Restriction
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
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One Sabbath, an Alabama preacher told his flock: "Someone in this
congregation has spread a scurrilous rumour that I am a member of the Ku
Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community
"I am embarrassed, and I do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the
party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from our Lord and this
No one moved. The preacher continued: "Do you have the nerve to face me and
admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your
heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet. Then slowly a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a
traffic-stopping body rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quavered as she spoke: "Reverend, there
has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of
the Ku Klux Klan.
"I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "Never
again..." said Paddy "that's the last time I go lion dancing"
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from
the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the
other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more
inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side."
Christmas goes politically correct...
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of
any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer
from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary
action will be taken against those found guilty of this offense. A full
investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on
full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind,
can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks..
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches,
reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..
"What would they want with a plasterer??!"
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
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