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Newsletter and jokes: 16 December 2016

Hi all

The final stretch to Christmas sees Hollywood rolling out the big holiday
releases, kicking off today with the latest installment in the Star Wars saga.
There's more to come ... Assassin's Creed lands on Wednesday, with the 
animated musical Sing opening next Friday. Speaking of Sing, I see it has been
nominated for a Golden Globe as best animated movie (and for best song). There
are previews all over all day today (mostly 3D but some 2D) for this film
so enjoy ...

The only other new release today is a seasonal comedy about Christmas, but it's
not family fare....

Also up over the next few days is the next in this years Ballet series, The 

On the technical side, Nu Metro has opened South Africa's first Laser Projection
cinema, which also features Dolby Atmos 360 degree sound sytem, for the best
possible movie experience. It's at their Canal Walk venue. Yes, ticket prices
are higher than regular.

Last bit of trivia: Felicity Jones is working overtime this week, appearing in 
both Star Wars and Inferno.

Enjoy :-)


Released 15 December 2016

* Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
* Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (3D)
* Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (3D)(IMAX)
* Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (4DX)
* Office Christmas Party (16 LNSD)

SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)

The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

Forthcoming attractions for 15 December.

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (wallpaper)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


A little puzzle for you.

355 = 524
1235 = 2521
1143 = 17212
850 = ?

I came up with a complex solution which involved putting arithmetic signs
between the digits to make the two sides equal, but the required solution is 
much simpler, and more English than maths.... solution below.


An oldie ..

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned -
couldnt concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldnt hack it, so
they gave me the axe.

Next I tried working in a silenceer factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldnt cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef (┬Łfigured it would add a little spice to my
life) but I just didnt have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I. couldnt cut
the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasnt

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasnt up to

So then I got a job in a fitness center, but they said I wasnt fit for the

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking
and I was discharged.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian until I realised there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.

So I retired and I found I'm a perfect fit for this job.


I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing. He replied that
he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel
under a constrained environment".

I was impressed......

On further enquiring I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water ....
Under his wife's supervision.


So The Donald was elected, and as you may know, many celebrities and snowflakes
are now faced with the prospect of making good on their pre-election blackmail 
promises and moving to Cananda (but curiously, not to Mexico, where it's much 

The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border
into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential
campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear
they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to
the Constitution.

 Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and
"green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.   "He was cold, exhausted
and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken.  When I
said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my
screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that
blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers
in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about
smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into
electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left
to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an
Alberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle
of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was
a nice little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips.  When liberals are
caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear
persecution from Trump high-hairers.

Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education
camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the
Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the
border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to
buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young
vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began
stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como
and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show,
we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara
Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading
jazzercise apps to their cell phones.

"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy
just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.  "After all, how many
art-history majors does one country need?


Solution to puzzle:

The first number is the time (eg 3:55). 
The second number is how we say it (eg 5 to 4).

Rogue One (4DX)Rogue OneRogue One (3D)Office Christmas Party
Rogue One (3D)(IMAX)
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