Newsletter and jokes 20 January 2017


 
Hi all 
 
A small lineup this week, but the quality level is high. Enjoy. 
 
There's also three Indian movies opening on Wednesday, for some reason... 
 
There are previews tomorrow for La La Land... actually at more venues than 
I have listed. They should be just about everywhere, all day.  
 
There's also select previews next week for Collateral Beauty and xXx: The  
Return of Xander Cage, see the previews page and remember to book. 
 
 
Enjoy :-) 
 
M O V I E S 
 
Released 20 January 2017 
 
* Lion (PG10-12) 
* Allied (13 LVS) 
* Split (13 V) 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm  
 
Releasing 25 January 2017 
 
* Kaabil 
* Raees 
* S3 the Movie 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm  
 
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit) 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm  
 
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm  
 
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia) 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm  
 
Forthcoming attractions for 25 and 27 January 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm  
 
Updated the pic and quote on the home page 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/  
 
This Week's pinup 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (full HD wallpaper for the gals)  
 
Pick of the Week 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm  
 
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm  
 
List of all movies showing 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm  
 
Same list sorted by Age Restriction 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm  
 
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm  
 
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
 
Cheers, Ian 
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
Anagrams... 
 
PRESBYTERIAN: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
BEST IN PRAYER 
 
ASTRONOMER: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
MOON STARER 
 
DESPERATION: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
A ROPE ENDS IT 
 
THE EYES: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
THEY SEE 
 
GEORGE BUSH: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
HE BUGS GORE 
 
THE MORSE CODE : 
When you rearrange the letters: 
HERE COME DOTS 
 
DORMITORY: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
DIRTY ROOM 
 
SLOT MACHINES: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
CASH LOST IN ME 
 
ANIMOSITY: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
IS NO AMITY 
 
ELECTION RESULTS : 
When you rearrange the letters: 
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT 
 
SNOOZE ALARMS : 
When you rearrange the letters: 
ALAS !  NO MORE Z'S 
 
A DECIMAL POINT : 
When you rearrange the letters: 
I'M A DOT IN PLACE 
 
THE EARTHQUAKES: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
THAT QUEER SHAKE 
 
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
TWELVE PLUS ONE 
 
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: 
 
MOTHER-IN-LAW: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
WOMAN HITLER 
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
Signs... 
 
In a Bangkok Temple : 
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. 
 
C*cktail lounge, Norway: 
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. 
 
Doctor's office, Rome : 
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. 
 
Dry cleaners, Bangkok : 
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. 
 
In a Nairobi restaurant: 
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. 
 
On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi : 
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. 
 
On a poster at Kencom: 
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP. 
 
In a City restaurant: 
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. 
 
In a Cemetery: 
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. 
 
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: 
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN 
BED. 
 
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: 
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. 
 
In a Tokyo Bar: 
SPECIAL C*CKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. 
 
Hotel, Yugoslavia: 
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. 
 
Hotel, Japan: 
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. 
 
In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: 
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET 
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY. 
 
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest : 
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF 
DIFFERENT S*X, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, 
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. 
 
Hotel, Zurich : 
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE S*X IN 
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. 
 
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand : 
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? 
 
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen : 
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.  
 
A Laundry in Rome : 
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD 
TIME. 
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the 
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a  
visit in his lavish office. 
 
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even 
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a 
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your 
community through the United Way?" 
 
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also 
show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has 
huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" 
 
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that." 
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled 
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his 
wife and six children?" 
 
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off 
again. 
 
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in 
a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three 
children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities 
requiring an array of private tutors?" 
 
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I 
had no idea." 
 
And the lawyer says, "So .. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what 
makes you think I'd give any to you?" 
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
I changed my iPod name to Titanic.   It's syncing now. 
 
When chemists die, they barium. 
 
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 
 
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned 
veteran. 
 
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. 
 
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 
 
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. 
 
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never 
met herbivore. 
 
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. 
 
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. 
 
They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type- O. 
 
A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 
 
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. 
 
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. 
 
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. 
 
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. 
 
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it! 
 
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she 
couldn't control her pupils? 
 
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 
 
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. 
 
Broken pencils are pointless. 
 
I tried to catch some fog. I mist. 
 
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?   A thesaurus. 
 
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 
 
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. 
 
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. 
 
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. 
 
Velcro - what a rip off! 
 
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. 
 
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 
 
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. 
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
 



Xax International logo
 Xax International
 2019
 All rights reserved.