Newsletter and jokes 27 January 2017

Hi all 
Oo La La ... yes La La Land is now showing for your viewing pleasure. After 
cleaning up at the Golden Globes (most Globes ever won by a film), it  
equalled the record for most nominations set by All About Eve (way back in 
1950) and 1997's Titanic. However La La Land also got noms for both leading 
actors and script, while Titanic did not. 
In stark constrast to La La Land, we have the return of Mr Xander Cage, 
with a Bollywood babe for accompaniment. 
Rounding out the lineup we have a new Afrikaans black comedy (black as in  
dark humour, not ethnic), and Will Smith in a male-crisis drama. 
From India, Kaabil and Raees are now on wide release all over. 
On the previews side there are once-offs previews for some of the other 
Oscar-nominated movies, mostly only at V+A Nouveau (and one at Tygervalley) 
but I'm not sure if these are open to the public or not. See the previews 
Enjoy :-) 
M O V I E S 
Released 27 January 2017 
* La La Land (PG7-9) 
* xXx: Return of Xander Cage (PG10-12 LV) 
* xXx: Return of Xander Cage (3D) (PG10-12 LV) 
* xXx: Return of Xander Cage (3D)(IMAX) (PG10-12 LV) 
* xXx: Return of Xander Cage (4DX) (PG10-12 LV) 
* Hoener met die Rooi Skoene (PG10-12 LV) 
* Collateral Beauty (PG7-9 L)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 3 February  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper... yes, That One.)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a 
fly swatter 
"What are you doing?"  She asked. 
"Hunting Flies"  He responded. 
"Oh. ! Killing any?"  She asked. 
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 
Intrigued, she asked. 
"How can you tell them apart?" 
He responded, 
"3 were on a beer can, 
2 were on the phone!!!" 
An elderly scot lay dying in his bed. 
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the 
aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs... 
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. 
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with 
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled 
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the 
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in 
heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally 
hundreds of his favourite scones. 
Was it heaven? 
Or was it one final act of love from his devoted scottish wife of sixty 
years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, 
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. 
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the 
table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ... 
'No,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.' 
A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law. 
One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to 
find her mother gone. 
She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman. 
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The 
mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion 
"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked. 
"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let 
him get himself out of it." 
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. 
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!" 
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!" 
So we walked past it again. 

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