Newsletter and jokes 10 February 2017

Hi all 
The highly anticipated Moonlight opens this week, along with the BAFTA- 
nominated Denial. But that's not all ... the new LEGO Batman movie has  
also been getting rave reviews. 
Rounding out the lineup we have two films from the Indian subcontinent, 
and of course the latest episode in the Fifty Shades series to spice up 
your Valentine's Day. 
The operatic version of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet is also screening 
this week. Probably a bit of a downer for Valentine, that... 
Enjoy :-) 
M O V I E S 
Released 10 February 2017 
* Moonlight (13 NSPD) 
* Denial (PG7-9) 
* Fifty Shades Darker (16 LNS) 
* The LEGO Batman Movie (PG) 
* The LEGO Batman Movie (3D) (PG) 
* Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (4DX) (16 V) 
* Balu Mahi (Urdu) 
* Jolly LLB 2 (Hindi)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 17 February  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (wallpaper for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a 
girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. 
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks 
through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you 
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide." 
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a 
be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why 
don't you give me a kiss?" 
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did 
just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately 
by another one. 
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the 
onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow!  That was the best 
kiss I have ever had Honey!  That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar 
Shorts.  You could be famous if you rode with me.  Why are you committing 
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." 
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed. 
A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly 
dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar. 
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. 
Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. 
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck. 
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the 
boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?" 
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up 
to three months" 
The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the 
Irish Railway. 
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on 
your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in 
the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system 
is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. 
Yours truly, 
Patrick Finnegan 
Dear Mr. Finnegan, 
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service 
and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of 
transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. 
Larnrod Eireann 
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are 
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of Numbers, 
22nd Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, 
gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the 
last two years! 
Patrick Finnegan 
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a 
bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction. 
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's 
group The Monkees. 
I thought she was joking ......... And then I saw her face...... 
My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered 
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and 
painful death!" 
So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?" 
He didn't like the casserole.  
And he didn't like my cake. 
He said my biscuits were too hard...  
Not like his mother used to make. 
I didn't perk the coffee right,  
He didn't like the stew, 
I didn't mend his socks,  
the way his mother used to do. 
I pondered for an answer.  
I was looking for a clue. 
Then I turned around and smacked him on the head... 
Like his mother used to do. 

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