Newsletter and jokes 17 February 2017

Hi all 
I'm busy fixing broken links etc on the site, which may at times break 
something unexpectedly. If that happens please start again at the home 
Well the BAFTAs are behind us and La La Land did rather well, if not a  
clean sweep. We've got the Razzies and Oscars next week. In the meantime 
another contender opens today for your viewing pleasure.  
The big release is Matt Damon in China, but this is aimed at a different 
market to Oscar lovers.. :-) 
Something I found interesting is that both Fifty Shades Darker and The  
LEGO Batman Movie were released here and the USA and UK last week.. in  
both overseas markets Batman clobbered Fifty Shades at the box office, but 
here in SA it was Fifty Shades that came out on top (!) while Batman only  
managed to get to number 3. 
The rest of this week's lineup is a bit of a mixed bag, from a Fast-and- 
Furious style thriller to a rather creepy institutional thriller.  
Rounding out the lineup is an historic biracial love story, a rom-com from 
India, and the Teluga version of S3. 
Enjoy :-) 
M O V I E S 
Released 17 February 2017 
* Collide (13 V) 
* The Great Wall (13 V) 
* The Great Wall (3D) (13 V) 
* The Great Wall (3D)(IMAX) (13 V) 
* A Cure for Wellness (16 NVH SV) 
* Fences (PG10-12) 
* Loving (PG7-9) 
* The LEGO Batman Movie (4DX) 
* Running Shaadi 
* Yamudu 3  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 17 February  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their 
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. 
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in 
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. 
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why 
are you down here at this time of night?' 
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first 
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back 
then?' he says solemnly. 
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so 
'Yes, I do' she replies. 
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. 
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my 
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail 
for 20 years?' 
'I remember that too' she replies softly. 
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 
'I would have been released today.' 
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. 
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. 
Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny, 
when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces it would stay like 
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't 
Fake news... 
A jogger, running down a country road, is startled as a horse yells at him, 
"Hey! Come over here, 
buddy!" The jogger runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and 
asks, "Are you talking to me?" 
The horse replies, "Sure am! Listen, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky 
Derby a few years ago, but then this farmer bought me, and now all I do is  
pull a plow. I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer  
him $5,000 to buy me?  
I'll make you some real money, 'cause I can still run." 
"A talking horse!" thinks the jogger to himself. Dollar signs go off in the 
jogger's head. So he runs up to the farmhouse, where he finds the old 
farmer sitting on the porch. The jogger says, "Say, old man, I'll give you 
$5,000 for that old, broken-down nag you've got out in the field." 
"Son," says the farmer, "you can't believe everything you hear. That horse 
ain't never even been to Kentucky!" 
Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front garden, my 
neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. 
During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year old daughter what 
she wanted to be when she grows up. 
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day. 
Both of her parents - Socialists - were standing there, so I asked her, "If 
you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?" 
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." 
Her parents beamed with pride! "Wow! What a worthy goal!" I said. 
"But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told 
"What do you mean?" she replied. 
So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, 
and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you £50. 
Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless chap hangs 
and you can give him the £50 to use toward food and a new house." She 
thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye 
and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless man come over and do the work, and you 
can just pay him the £50?" I said, "Welcome to the Tory Party." 
Her parents aren't speaking to me. 
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to 
Britain so that they can see their own doctor. 
A bar called Drummond's (in Mt Vernon, Texas) began construction on an 
expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business. 
In response, the local Southern Baptist Church started a campaign to block 
the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc. About a week before the 
bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to 
the ground! 
Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the power of 
prayer". The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the 
church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, 
through direct actions or indirect means." 
Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any 
connection to the building's demise. 
The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the 
defendant's reply. He then opened the hearing by saying: 
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the 
paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the 
power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not." 

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