Newsletter and jokes 24 February 2017

Hi all 
A busy weekend and week for the movies... headlined by the Razzies and  
Oscars this weekend. Should be an interesting three-way fight. 
Locally, apart from the new releases, there are two others that released 
earlier now out on wider release, being the local drama Tess, and one 
offering from the Indian subcontinent. 
As far as new movies go, it's a mix of good vs meh. Or perhaps art vs 
And on top of all that, we've got the previews... with the upcoming Logan:  
The Wolverine being the main attraction. Kicking off with a guys-night-out, 
followed the next two nights by general preview. So leave the soft and 
cuddlies at home and go enjoy a Bro-Mo. 
There's also previews for two upcoming local movies: Keeping Up With the  
Kandasamys (a comedy) and Jagveld, a crime thriller. 
See the previews page and remember to book :-) 
Enjoy :-) 
M O V I E S 
Released 24 February 2017 
* Hidden Figures (PG7-9 P) 
* T2 Trainspotting (16 LSVD) 
* Fist Fight (16 L) 
* A Dog's Purpose (PG10-12 V) 
* Rangoon (Hindi) 
* Winner (Teluga) 
On wide release this week 
* Tess (16 LSVD) 
* Running Shaadi (Hindi)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 3 March  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any 
trouble but shouldn't that be an even number? 
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the 
local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming 
and yelling like the passengers in his car. 
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would 
eventually find me attractive. 
I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom 
until they are flashing behind you. 
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite 
they only look at the covered parts. 
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live 
longer than the men who mention it. 
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your x and 
wondered y? 
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to 
fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. 
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's 
your common sense leaving your body. 
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of 
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and 
throw them fish? 
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about 
I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on  her 
computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. 
Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the 
ground for maximum damage. 
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye. 
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see. 
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of 
payments to the bank. 
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. 
She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, 
you'd look alright." 
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there." 
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and 
takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the 
teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. 
"Could you taste this for me, please?" 
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid 
around and swallows it. It tasted unpleasant. 
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. 
"No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face. 
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get 
my urine tested for sugar." 
Shampoo Warning 
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very 
clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: 
No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and 
I am going to start showering with dish washing liquid instead, because its 
label reads: 
Dear America , 
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. 
Sincerely, Canada 
Dear Yahoo, 
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it" 
Sincerely, Google 
Dear Saturn, 
I liked it, so I put a ring on it. 
Dear Twilight fans, 
Please realize that vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through 
them, they can never get an erection. 
Dear Icebergs, 
Sorry to hear about the global warming. 
The Titanic 
Dear Customers, 
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese. 
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies 
Dear World, 
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because 
Some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok? 
The Mayans 
Dear iPhone, 
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece 
of shut. 
Every iPhone User 
Dear Man, 
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? 
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame. 
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 
We have enough "youth". How about a fountain of "smart"? 
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 
A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party   
When blondes have more fun ... do they know it? 
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park. 
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. 
Don't Drink and Drive. You might hit a bump and spill something. 
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol. 
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. 
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. 
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name. 
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the 
"You know why a banana is like a politician?" 
"He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow and then he's 
"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, 
so we could identify their corporate sponsors." 
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 
'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. 

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