Newsletter and jokes 3 March 2017

Hi all 
Well the Oscars provided a few surprises beyond the expected three-way 
fight between Moonlight, La La Land and Manchester by the Sea... and the  
poor accountant responsible won't be there next year...  
The Razzies ended up as a dead heat two-way fight.  
Locally we've got a busy lineup this week, with Hugh Jackman's likely final 
outing as Wolverine. To balance the testosterone we have Jackie for the  
ladies, and a new animated treat for the anklebiters. 
Rounding out the lineup is a local Indian movie comedy which I suppose  
could be described as "Bollywood, SA style", as well as a Tamil thriller. 
More esoteric fare includes an arthouse drama and a poorly-reviewed horror. 
On the previews side there are isolated previews for three upcoming  
Afrikaans films, see the previews page and remember to book.  
Enjoy :-) 
M O V I E S 
Released 3 March 2017 
* Logan: The Wolverine (16) 
* Logan: The Wolverine (IMAX) (16) 
* Logan: The Wolverine (4DX) (16) 
* Jackie (13 VD) 
* Keeping Up With the Kandasamys (PG7-9 LD) 
* Rock Dog (PG V) 
* Rock Dog (3D) (PG V) 
* The Hollars (PG7-9 L) 
* The Disappointments Room (16 LVH) 
* Kuttram 23 (Tamil)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 10 March  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper for the guys)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Cop Humour from Australia 
A local police station received this question from a resident through the 
feedback section of a local Police website: 
"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually 
harass people and get away with it?" 
In response, a Sergeant posted this reply: 
First of all, let me tell you this... it's not easy. In the rural area we 
average one cop for every 505 people. Only about 60 per cent of those cops 
are on general duty where we do most of our harassing. 
The rest are in non-harassing units that do not allow them contact with the 
day to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60 per 
cent of general duties are on duty and available for harassing people while 
the rest are off duty. So, roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing 
about 6000 residents. 
When you toss in the commercial business and tourist locations that attract 
people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop 
is responsible for harassing 15,000 or more people a day. 
Now, your average eight-hour shift runs 28,800 seconds long. This gives a 
cop two-thirds of a second to harass a person, and then only another third 
of a second to drink an iced coffee AND then find a new person to harass. 
This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to the 
challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilise 
some tools to help us narrow down those people we can realistically harass. 
PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus 
on a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a 
code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some 
special harassment. Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking into a 
house." The harassment team is then put into action. 
CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like 
to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or drivers with 
no licences and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of 
traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you 
get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the 
car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file. 
LAWS: When we don't have phone or cars, and have nothing better to do, 
there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. 
They are called "statutes". These include the Crimes Act, Summary Offences 
Act, Land Transport Act and a whole bunch of others... They spell out all 
sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read 
the law, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone 
violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I 
saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, the book says that's not 
allowed. That meant I had permission to harass this guy. 
It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. 
We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away 
with it. Why? Because, for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to 
keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people. 
Next time you are in the area, give me the old "single finger wave". That's 
another one of those codes. It means, "You can harass me." It's one of our 
A few years back there was a scandal in the UK, where beef burgers from a 
popular supermarket chain were found to contain horse meat in the beef. 
Being British, the puns were soon streaming in. 
I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco just listened! 
Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh? 
Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle. 
Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had 5 quid 
each way! 
Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ... I still have a bit 
between my teeth. 
A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from 
Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable. 
Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn. 
"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF" 
Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse 
barcodes for serving suggestions. 
Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots.... 
"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian"..... 
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?" Cow says "Illegal 
ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!" 
I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse 
These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit.... 
Talk about flogging a dead horse! 
A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman 
has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, 
busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. 
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young 
man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 
asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the 
lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there 
was no way you could discount this model." 
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large 
glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't 
need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", 
replied the grinning salesman sheepishly. 
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car 
keys to the old man. 
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the 
price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day." 
Once again.... don't mess with seniors. 
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. 
A  very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard 
the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" 
"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. 
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the 
cart up later."  I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing 
what appeared to be a very nice figure. 
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would 
like it." 
"Oh, come on now " she insisted. 
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. 
I was weak.. "Well okay," I finally agreed. 
After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot 
better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better 
go now." 
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly 
more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is 
I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess". 
A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, 
Mrs Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had 
surgery there, he lost all interest in the bedroom. 
A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract 
surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight." 

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