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Newsletter and jokes: 3 March 2017

Hi all

Well the Oscars provided a few surprises beyond the expected three-way
fight between Moonlight, La La Land and Manchester by the Sea... and the 
poor accountant responsible won't be there next year...

The Razzies ended up as a dead heat two-way fight.

Locally we've got a busy lineup this week, with Hugh Jackman's likely final
outing as Wolverine. To balance the testosterone we have Jackie for the 
ladies, and a new animated treat for the anklebiters.

Rounding out the lineup is a local Indian movie comedy which I suppose 
could be described as "Bollywood, SA style", as well as a Tamil thriller.
More esoteric fare includes an arthouse drama and a poorly-reviewed horror.

On the previews side there are isolated previews for three upcoming 
Afrikaans films, see the previews page and remember to book. 

Enjoy :-)


Released 3 March 2017

* Logan: The Wolverine (16)
* Logan: The Wolverine (IMAX) (16)
* Logan: The Wolverine (4DX) (16)
* Jackie (13 VD)
* Keeping Up With the Kandasamys (PG7-9 LD)
* Rock Dog (PG V)
* Rock Dog (3D) (PG V)
* The Hollars (PG7-9 L)
* The Disappointments Room (16 LVH)
* Kuttram 23 (Tamil)

SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)

The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

Forthcoming attractions for 10 March

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper for the guys)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


Cop Humour from Australia

A local police station received this question from a resident through the
feedback section of a local Police website:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually
harass people and get away with it?"

In response, a Sergeant posted this reply:

First of all, let me tell you this... it's not easy. In the rural area we
average one cop for every 505 people. Only about 60 per cent of those cops
are on general duty where we do most of our harassing.

The rest are in non-harassing units that do not allow them contact with the
day to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60 per
cent of general duties are on duty and available for harassing people while
the rest are off duty. So, roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing
about 6000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial business and tourist locations that attract
people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop
is responsible for harassing 15,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average eight-hour shift runs 28,800 seconds long. This gives a
cop two-thirds of a second to harass a person, and then only another third
of a second to drink an iced coffee AND then find a new person to harass.
This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to the
challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilise
some tools to help us narrow down those people we can realistically harass.

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus
on a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a
code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some
special harassment. Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking into a
house." The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like
to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or drivers with
no licences and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of
traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you
get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the
car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.

LAWS: When we don't have phone or cars, and have nothing better to do,
there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks.
They are called "statutes". These include the Crimes Act, Summary Offences
Act, Land Transport Act and a whole bunch of others... They spell out all
sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read
the law, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone
violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I
saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, the book says that's not
allowed. That meant I had permission to harass this guy.

It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well.
We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away
with it. Why? Because, for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to
keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.

Next time you are in the area, give me the old "single finger wave". That's
another one of those codes. It means, "You can harass me." It's one of our


A few years back there was a scandal in the UK, where beef burgers from a
popular supermarket chain were found to contain horse meat in the beef.

Being British, the puns were soon streaming in.

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco just listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had 5 quid
each way!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ... I still have a bit
between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from
Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF"

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse
barcodes for serving suggestions.

Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots....

"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?" Cow says "Illegal
ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit....
Talk about flogging a dead horse!


A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman
has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy,
busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young
man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000
asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the
lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there
was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large
glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't
need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?",
replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car
keys to the old man.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the
price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."

Once again.... don't mess with seniors.


While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A  very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard
the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the
cart up later."  I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing
what appeared to be a very nice figure.

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would
like it."

"Oh, come on now " she insisted.

She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.

I was weak.. "Well okay," I finally agreed.

After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot
better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better
go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly
more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is

I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess".


A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman,
Mrs Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had
surgery there, he lost all interest in the bedroom.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract
surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."


Rock Dog (3D)LoganJackieKuttram 23Rock DogThe HollarsKeeping UpThe Disappointments Room
Logan (IMAX)Logan (4DX)
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