Newsletter and jokes 28 April 2017

Hi all 
Sorry for the bit of confusion with the release dates last week, they  
decided to drop the Wednesday release date and move things to Thursday 
Anyway if you're having a 5-day weekend, enjoy and think of us poor slobs 
who have to work... :-) 
The big release this week is Jamie Foxx's Sleepless, which did not go down 
so well with the critics. Then we have the religion-based The Shack,  
adapted from the best-selling novel, local canoeing-themed Beyond the River 
and something for the older people in Going in Style. 
Also at the arthouse is based-on-a-true-story boxing biopic Bleed for This, 
and we round out the offering with Baahubali 2, in both Hindi and Tamil 
On the previews side, there are previews all over all day on Monday for 
next week's Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, mostly in 3D but also in 2D, 
3D IMAX and 4DX. See the previews page and remember to book. 
Enjoy :-) 
Released 27 April 2017 
* Sleepless (16 LV) 
* The Shack (PG10-12 V) 
* Going in Style (PG10-12 L) 
* Beyond the River (PG7-9) 
Released 28 April 2017 
* Bleed for This (13 LNV) 
* Baahubali 2: The Conclusion (Hindi) 
* Baahubali 2: The Conclusion (Tamil)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 5 May  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (poster)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A blonde was shopping at Tesco's & came across a shiny silver thermos. 
She was quite fascinated by it, she picked it up & took it to the Assistant 
to ask what it was. 
He said:  That's a thermos.....  It keeps hot things hot,  And cold things 
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!' 
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day. 
Her boss saw it on her desk. 
'What's that,' he asked? 
'Why, that's a thermos.....It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she 
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' 
The blond replied... 'Ice cream & some coffee.' 
This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks 
five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is 
speechless after attempting to answer only one question. l bet this happens 
more often than not to most husbands out there: 
Woman: Do you drink beer? 
Man: Yes 
Woman: How many beers a day? 
Man: Usually about three 
Woman: How much do you pay per beer? 
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!) 
Woman: And how long have you been drinking? 
Man: About 20 years, I suppose 
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your 
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 
Man: Correct 
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 
20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct? 
Man: Correct 
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could 
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting 
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an 
Man: Do you drink beer? 
Woman: No. 
Man: Where is your airplane? 
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much 
faster now! 
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they 
drink like their fathers. 
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? 
That's common sense leaving your body. 
I don't like making plans for the day because then the word 
"premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom. 
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. 
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the 
Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. 
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met 
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me! 
Old age is coming at a really bad time! 
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown 
up, it just feels like a small vacation! 
The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, 
I'll remember it." 
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs 
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees. 
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which 
is shorter than "yes." 
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that 
second week. 
I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it! 
Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound! 
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me 
to someone I can't understand anyway? 
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. 
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if 
he could see her license.  
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. * 
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to 
show it to you!' 

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