Newsletter and jokes 5 May 2017

Hi all 
Enjoy :-) 
Well the big release this week is Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, showing 
in all available formats. 
This high action is balanced by this year's Oscar winner for Best Foreign 
Language film, The Salesman. 
Then we have a SA rom-com set in the USA, which makes a change from having 
American actors coming here for location shots.... 
Rounding out the lineup we have two smaller releases aimed at niche 
markets, including an Afrikaans art movie. Enjoy. 
Released 5 May 2017 
* Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (PG V) 
* Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (3D) (PG V) 
* Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (3D IMAX) (PG V) 
* Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (4DX) (PG V) 
* The Salesman (PG10-12 L) 
* Rules Don't Apply (PG10-12 LS) 
* Love by Chance (PG10-12 L) 
* Johnny is Nie Dood Nie (16 DL)  
Just a word about the financial side of things... The Fate of the Furious 
has now overtaken Avatar in terms of local box office, with only F&F 7 
above it on the Top Ten records. 
Meanwhile local comedy Keeping Up With the Kandasamys has now spent 9 
weeks on the top ten, which is very good going for a local film. 
I had a request for some beefcake on the front page... trust it served 
the needs :-) 
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 5 May  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on-board, so she 
reports it to the Captain immediately. 
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very 
pretty, hot and s*xy, female passenger on-board, who looks quite frightened 
and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very 
sullen, mean and dangerous!" 
The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before.  This is 
Air Force One!" 
Two old ad guys, one 70 and one 75, were sitting on a park bench one 
The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of 
The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did 
to have so much energy. 
The 75-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your 
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." 
So, on the way home the 70-year-old stopped at the bakery. 
As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help. 
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" 
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" 
He said, "I want five loaves." 
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, 
it'll be hard." 
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me! 
Six Golden Rules For F***ing 
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health but harmful if done every day. 
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind and body. 
3. F***ing refreshes you. 
4. After f***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids. 
5. Try to do f***ing in bed because it can save you valuable energy. 
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level. 
So remember - Fasting is good for your health - and may the gods cleanse  
your Dirty Mind! 
I was in a bar on Sat*rday night... had a few... and I noticed two large 
women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you 
two ladies from Scotland?" 
One of them chirped, "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!" 
So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from 
That's the last thing I remember. 
My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat. 
My mate told me that they are really expensive, 
So I've bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together. 
What would happen if everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time? 
If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money? 
Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes? 
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you 
see through everything and actually see nothing? 
Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it? 
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank 
Do cows have calf muscles? 
Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 
Why does an alarm clock 'go off' when it begins ringing? 
If you take a shower, where do you put it? 
If a cat always lands on its feet and buttered bread always lands butter 
side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat? 
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 
miles away? 
What's the problem with toast? Two slices pop up, you whip one out, and 
spread some margarine on it. But by the time you get the second, the 
consistency has changed. Why not have a time delay? 
If someone told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them? 
Do stairs go up or down? 
If Teflon is non-stick, how did they make it stick to the pan? 
Here's one for you, What is the opposite of opposite? 
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'? 
What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon? 
Do fish get thirsty? 
Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 
Why is it called your bottom when it's really in the middle of your body. 
Why do you press the buttons on the remote control harder.. when you know  
the batteries are running out? 
If you were to take all of the ships out of all of the oceans, would the 
sea level go down? 
If you were in a car, driving at the speed of light and you turned on the 
headlights, what would happen? 
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes? 
If mineral water has trickled through mountains for thousands of years, 
then why does it have an expiration date? 
Where would we be without rhetorical questions? 
If heat rises then shouldn't Hell be cold? 
Which way does a compass point in space? 
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? 
Can someone give up Lent for Lent? 
Do octopuses have arms or legs? 
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st - January 1st, 
which year would you say you were born in? 
If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone can't hear, they're 
deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell? 
How can someone 'draw a blank'? 
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a 
Where does the white go when the snow melts? 
What if you were playing in the golf club championship tournament finals 
and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit 
your ball a modest 250 yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple 
six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into 
the woods to the right of the fairway. 
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for 
his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your 
opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in 
time, I'll concede the match." 
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about 10 feet from the 
pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim 
from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click, 
the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the 
woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the 
Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating sod's ball out of 
your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut? 

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