Newsletter and jokes 19 May 2017

Hi all 
Sorry a bit late this week, been a bit hectic. 
Anyway, this week sees the next in the summer blockbuster season releases 
with a rebooted Aliens series gracing the screens. Stateside they're  
expecting it to dethrone Guardians of the Galaxy from the number 1 slot. 
Speaking of which, it's odd how different movies play in different markets 
... in the USA Guardians has already grossed more than F&F 8 after 2 weeks, 
even though F&F8 has been out for 5 weeks. Meanwhile here, F&F8 is already  
second on the all-time list and should surpass F&F7 which is at number 1. 
Apart from Aliens, we have a biopic on Ray Krok, who built McDonald's into 
the empire that it is, and a faith-based drama. 
For the kiddies we have an animated film and the next episode in the Diary 
of a Wimpy Kid series. 
Lastly Bollywood offers up a rom-com and a look at the trials and  
tribulations of getting your kid into a good school... seems to be a  
universal problem :-) 
Released 19 May 2017 
* Alien Covenant 
* Alien Covenant (IMAX) 
* The Founder (PG10-12) 
* Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul 
* Ozzy (PG) 
* The Resurrection of Gavin Stone (PG) 
* Half Girlfriend (Hindi) 
* Hindi Medium (Hindi)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 26 May  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
An oldie, but still a sweet story. 
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by  
a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He  
had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's  
cemetery in the New South Wales back country. As I was not familiar with  
the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for  
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently  
gone and the hear*e was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers  
and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to  
the men for being late. 
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was  
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played  
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played  
like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played  
"Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all  
wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for  
my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. 
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never  
seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks  
for twenty years." 
A frustrated husband in front of his laptop : 
Dear google, please do not behave like my wife... 
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing &  
A married man's prayer: Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it  
You gave me youth, You took it away. 
You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You. 
A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if  
she can use the store's baby scale. 
"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can  
figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult 
scale, and then weigh the mother alone,  
and subtract the second number from the first." 
"Oh, that won't work," says the blonde. 
"Why not?" asks the clerk. 
"Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt." 
A father texts his son: 
"My Dear Son, 
"Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. 
"My best love and good wishes. 
"Your Father." 
His Son texts back: 
"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!" 
His Father replies: 
"I know." 
The Government is a lot like Mensa: if you make the simplest program, or  
decision complicated enough, People assume that it is viable, valuable,  
and significant. 
We know that just isn't true, and simple Logic Baffles Brains 
Once, years ago, there was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco. 
(Mensa, as you know, is a international organization for people who have an  
IQ of 132 or higher.) 
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe.  
When they sat down, one of them discovered that the salt shaker contained  
pepper & the pepper shaker was full of salt. 
How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any &  
using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa  
The group debated the problem, presented ideas & finally came up with a  
brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw & an empty saucer. 
They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.  
"Miss", they said," We couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker  
contains salt & the salt shaker - " but before they could finish, the  
waitress interrupted, "Oh! sorry about that". 
She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles & switched  
There was dead silence at the Mensa table. 
Kinda reminds you of the government, doesn't it. 
Don't confuse IQ and education with common sense 
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his 
Sunday sermon. 
Four worms were placed into four separate jars. 
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. 
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. 
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate  syrup. 
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. 
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following  
The first worm in alcohol . . . . ..  Dead. 
The  second worm in cigarette smoke . . Dead! 
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . Dead!. 
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . Alive?! 
So the Minister asked the congregation, 
"So, my friends? What did you learn from this demonstration?" 
Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . 
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" 
That pretty much ended the service! 
Today is International Disturbed People's Day. 
The Irish.... (well it makes a change from Blonde jokes...) 
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, 
"Do you want the winner of the next race?" 
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard." 
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the  
police station. 
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?" 
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!" 
A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a lottery to  
guess where they were going..... 
The driver won. 
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. 
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat  
looks like a bomb." 
The operator asks, "is it tickin? 
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef" 
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a  
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?" 
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom  
lately & the therapist recommended I do something s*xy to a tractor." 
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. 
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going  
to drill for their own oil... 
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" 
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th." 
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the  
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine." 

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