Newsletter and jokes 2 June 2017

Hi all 
Well Wonder Woman is up this week. I read a review earlier this week  
which was rather negative, so I was quite suprised last night to see how 
well the press overseas has rated it. They're expecting it to beat the  
combined total earnings of Elektra and Cat Woman this weekend alone. Enjoy. 
Also up, but not so well critically received, is the big screen (and adult) 
version of the popular TV series Baywatch. Rounding out the lineup we have 
the arthouse release and a horror story from Bollywood.  
There's also the Encounters documentary film festival running at the  
Nouveaus, as well as Tom Stoppard's play Rosenkranz and Guildenstern Are 
Released 2 June 2017 
* Wonder Woman (PG10-12 V) 
* Wonder Woman (3D) (PG10-12 V) 
* Wonder Woman (3D)(IMAX) (PG10-12 V) 
* Baywatch (16 LNV) 
* Their Finest (13) 
* Dobaara: See Your Evil (Hindi)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 2 June  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
All you ever wanted to know about tools... 
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short. 
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into 
major refinishing jobs. 
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench 
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses 
from fingers. 
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock 
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer 
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had 
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. 
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of 
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... 
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, 
and the more you attempt to influence its course, 
the more dismal your future becomes. 
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. 
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense 
welding heat to the palm of your hand. 
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop 
and creating a fire. 
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you 
want to remove a bearing race. 
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for 
testing wall integrity. 
Very effective for digit removal !! 
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your 
new brake shoes, 
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. 
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large 
pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you 
cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. 
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the components you  
forgot to disconnect. 
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style 
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be 
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. 
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted 
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. 
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you 
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short. 
Originally employed as a weapon of war, 
the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most 
expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. 
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered 
to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, 
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund  
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work  
clothes, but only while in use. 
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his 
wheelchair, just before his operation. 
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?" 
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't 
worry, I'm sure you will be all right.'" 
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" 
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!" 
Because of the severe weather conditions in the UK at the moment the 
Government has issued this warning. Anyone travelling in snow or icy 
conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing 
including a scarf, hat, and gloves, 24 hour food supply, 3 ltr drinking 
water, de-icer rock salt, flash light, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol 
can and a set of jumper cables.  
I looked a right fool on the bus this morning!!! 
Does anybody know how to cancel a bid on e-Bay? 
 Yesterday, I put in a bid for a "Cowboy Outfit" and now it seems I'm only 
six minutes away from owning the ANC! 
 A Good Pun is Its Own Reword 
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. 
- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. 
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. 
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 
- Sea captains don't like crew cuts. 
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 
- Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. 
- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. 
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. 
- What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!) 
- A backward poet writes inverse. 
- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. 
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat 
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. 
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum 
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 
- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 
- Every calendar's days are numbered. 
- A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. 
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 
- A plateau is a high form of flattery. 
- The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at 
- Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. 
- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 
- When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd 
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. 
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 
- Acupuncture is a jab well done. 
- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. 

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