Newsletter and jokes 2 June 2017

Hi all 
Winter, exams, floods, fire, electoral upsets... quite a week, that was. 
On the positive side I hope the drought down here is now officially broken 
and we get the wet winters of my childhood... 
Anyway, on to the movies, where it's always dry and warm... this week 
sees Tom Cruise try to reboot another franchise, but failed to impress 
the critics. We'll have to see how he does against Wonder Woman, which last 
week surprised expectations and set some new records, particularly in the  
The other releases are a bit smaller than The Mummy and aimed more at  
niche markets. We've got Keanu Reeves in a courtroom drama, a family 
custody drama, a female-friendly "Groundhog Day" style mystery, with the 
arthouse and Bollywood releases rounding out the lineup. 
The last film in the current opera season, Der Rosenkavalier, is on at 
the Nouveaus, as well as the Encounters film festival. Enjoy. 
Note that this is a short week due to the holiday next Friday, some movies 
are opening next Thursday and some next Friday. 
Released 9 June 2017 
The Mummy (13 VH) 
The Mummy (4DX) (13 VH) 
The Mummy (IMAX) (13 VH) 
The Whole Truth (16 LV) 
Gifted (PG7-9) 
Before I Fall (13 LV) 
Toni Erdmann (16 LNS) 
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 15/16 June  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Hello ! Gordon's pizza? 
No sir, it's Google's pizza. 
So, this is a wrong number? 
No sir, Google bought it. 
OK. Take my order please. 
Well sir, you want the usual? 
The usual? You know me? 
According to our caller ID, the last twelve times, you ordered pizza with 
three cheeses, sausage and a thick crust. 
OK ! That's it. 
May I suggest to you this time ricotta and arugula with dried tomato? 
What? I hate vegetables. 
Your cholesterol level is not good. 
How do you know that? 
Through the health scheme subscribers' guide. We have the results of your 
blood tests for the last seven years. 
OK, but I do not want that new pizza - I am already taking a cholesterol 
lowering medicine. 
But you have not been taking that medicine regularly. You only purchased 
one box of 30 tablets four months ago at Drugsale Network. 
I bought some more from another chemist. 
That's not showing on your credit cards. 
I paid for them in cash 
But you did not withdraw that much cash, according to your bank statements. 
I have other sources of cash. 
That is not showing as per you last Tax return, unless you bought them from 
an undeclared income source 
WHAT THE HELL? That's enough ! I'm sick and tired of Google, Facebook, 
Twitter and WhatsApp. I'm going to live on an island somewhere without the 
Internet, where there are no cell phones and there's no one to spy on me 
any more ! 
I can understand that, sir - but in that case, you'll need to renew your 
passport. It expired five weeks ago ! 
It was Judi's first plane trip. 
Boarding the aircraft she settled into a window seat in the non-smoking 
A man came over and politely said, "Ma'am, you're in my seat." 
"Go away and find another seat!" Judi replied. 
He said, "Okay, fine, you fly the plane. 
A sadist and a masochist were put into the same jail cell and soon found 
out about each other. 
The masochist cried, "Oh, hurt me, pinch me, humiliate me. Please cause me 
The sadist looked at him and said, "No! 
A couple phoned a neighbour to extend birthday greetings. They dialled the 
number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their 
off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialled the wrong number. 
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need 
all the practice you can get. 
A couple was having dinner in an upmarket restaurant. The husband seemed 
preoccupied and his wife told him so. 
He replied, "I'm sorry darling, I have to make a confession about 
something. Could you possibly love a man who cheated his business partner 
out of 3 million dollars?" 
"Possibly," said the wife, "provided the man doesn't suffer a conscience 
attack and pay the money back. 
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher said, 
"Why are you arguing"? 
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to 
whoever tells the biggest lie." 
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your 
age, I didn't even know what a lie was." 
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. 
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and 
death statistics. 
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that 
every time I breathe, somebody dies"? 
"Really"?! he said. "Have you tried mouthwash? 
A woman talks to a psychiatrist and says, "You've got to help me doctor, my 
husband thinks he's a racehorse! He neighs, sleeps on straw, and even eats 
"No problem," says the doctor. "I can heal him, but it's going to be 
"Oh, money isn't an issue," says the disgruntled wife. "He's already won 
two races! 

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