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Newsletter and jokes: 2 June 2017

Hi all

Winter, exams, floods, fire, electoral upsets... quite a week, that was.

On the positive side I hope the drought down here is now officially broken
and we get the wet winters of my childhood...

Anyway, on to the movies, where it's always dry and warm... this week
sees Tom Cruise try to reboot another franchise, but failed to impress
the critics. We'll have to see how he does against Wonder Woman, which last
week surprised expectations and set some new records, particularly in the 

The other releases are a bit smaller than The Mummy and aimed more at 
niche markets. We've got Keanu Reeves in a courtroom drama, a family
custody drama, a female-friendly "Groundhog Day" style mystery, with the
arthouse and Bollywood releases rounding out the lineup.

The last film in the current opera season, Der Rosenkavalier, is on at
the Nouveaus, as well as the Encounters film festival. Enjoy.

Note that this is a short week due to the holiday next Friday, some movies
are opening next Thursday and some next Friday.

Released 9 June 2017

The Mummy (13 VH)
The Mummy (4DX) (13 VH)
The Mummy (IMAX) (13 VH)
The Whole Truth (16 LV)
Gifted (PG7-9)
Before I Fall (13 LV)
Toni Erdmann (16 LNS)

SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)

The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

Forthcoming attractions for 15/16 June

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (for the gals)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


Hello ! Gordon's pizza?
No sir, it's Google's pizza.
So, this is a wrong number?
No sir, Google bought it.
OK. Take my order please.
Well sir, you want the usual?
The usual? You know me?
According to our caller ID, the last twelve times, you ordered pizza with
three cheeses, sausage and a thick crust.
OK ! That's it.
May I suggest to you this time ricotta and arugula with dried tomato?
What? I hate vegetables.
Your cholesterol level is not good.
How do you know that?
Through the health scheme subscribers' guide. We have the results of your
blood tests for the last seven years.
OK, but I do not want that new pizza - I am already taking a cholesterol
lowering medicine.
But you have not been taking that medicine regularly. You only purchased
one box of 30 tablets four months ago at Drugsale Network.
I bought some more from another chemist.
That's not showing on your credit cards.
I paid for them in cash
But you did not withdraw that much cash, according to your bank statements.
I have other sources of cash.
That is not showing as per you last Tax return, unless you bought them from
an undeclared income source
WHAT THE HELL? That's enough ! I'm sick and tired of Google, Facebook,
Twitter and WhatsApp. I'm going to live on an island somewhere without the
Internet, where there are no cell phones and there's no one to spy on me
any more !
I can understand that, sir - but in that case, you'll need to renew your
passport. It expired five weeks ago !


It was Judi's first plane trip.

Boarding the aircraft she settled into a window seat in the non-smoking

A man came over and politely said, "Ma'am, you're in my seat."

"Go away and find another seat!" Judi replied.

He said, "Okay, fine, you fly the plane.


A sadist and a masochist were put into the same jail cell and soon found
out about each other.

The masochist cried, "Oh, hurt me, pinch me, humiliate me. Please cause me

The sadist looked at him and said, "No!


A couple phoned a neighbour to extend birthday greetings. They dialled the
number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their
off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialled the wrong number.

"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need
all the practice you can get.


A couple was having dinner in an upmarket restaurant. The husband seemed
preoccupied and his wife told him so.

He replied, "I'm sorry darling, I have to make a confession about
something. Could you possibly love a man who cheated his business partner
out of 3 million dollars?"

"Possibly," said the wife, "provided the man doesn't suffer a conscience
attack and pay the money back.


Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher said,
"Why are you arguing"?

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to
whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your
age, I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.


A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and
death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that
every time I breathe, somebody dies"?

"Really"?! he said. "Have you tried mouthwash?


A woman talks to a psychiatrist and says, "You've got to help me doctor, my
husband thinks he's a racehorse! He neighs, sleeps on straw, and even eats

"No problem," says the doctor. "I can heal him, but it's going to be

"Oh, money isn't an issue," says the disgruntled wife. "He's already won
two races!

The Mummy (3D)The MummyThe Mummy (4DX)The Mummy (IMAX)
RaabtaGiftedBefore I FallThe Whole TruthToni Erdmann
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