Newsletter and jokes 7 July 2017

Hi all 
Well Spidey swings back onto our screens again, they're expecting it to do 
reasonably well (as in, over $100 million for the weekend in the USA), and 
will likely do well here too. 
This week's other big release has had a very bad reception from the critics 
although the masses seem to think it is at least 'average' so I guess fans 
of the star will go and see it. 
Rounding out the lineup is a biopic on Churchill on the art circuit, and of 
course a new Afrikaans family film which deals with childhood illness. 
And lastly Bollywood has two offerings for us, a comedy and another  
emotional family drama. 
On the previews side, there are a handful of previews for the upcoming War 
for the Planet of the Apes next Tuesday, see the previews page and remember 
to book. I'm not sure if these are Open Public previews or restricted to 
members of some club or other (as is usual when there are so few). 
Had a bit of fun and games this morning when I went to buy the newspapers 
for the local movie reviews... The Argus had managed to produce their  
morning edition without a price or barcode. Which really confused the  
Released 7 July 2017 
* Spider-Man: Homecoming (PG10-12 LV) 
* Spider-Man: Homecoming (3D) (PG10-12 LV) 
* Spider-Man: Homecoming (3D)(IMAX) (PG10-12 LV) 
* Spider-Man: Homecoming (4DX) (PG10-12 LV) 
* The House (16 LVD) 
* Churchill (PG7-9) 
* Nul is Nie Niks Nie (PG7-9) 
* Mom (Hindi) 
* Guest iin London (Hindi)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 14 July  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A handful of 7-year-old children were asked, 'What they thought of beer.' 
Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching. 
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the 
prettier my mom gets.' 
 --Tim, 7 years old 
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television 
when he is asleep, so beer is nice.' 
 --Melanie, 7 years old 
'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and 
takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.' 
 --Grady, 7 years old 
'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the 
more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' 
 --Toby, 7 year old 
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, 
so he shouldn't have too much.' 
 --Sarah, 7 years old 
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. 
One time he danced right into the pool.' 
 --Lilly, 7 years old 
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the 
sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.' 
 --Ethan, 7 years old 
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' 
 --Shirley, 7 years old 
'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. 
Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone 
down the street,but that doesn't make any sense.' 
 --Jack, 7 years old 
Last Tuesday Australian Foreign Minister Rudd got out of a Commonwealth car 
in front of Parliament House. 
He was carrying a piglet under each arm. 
The Federal Police guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice 
pigs, sir." 
Rudd replied: 
"These are not just pigs. These are authentic Australian wild bush pigs. 
I got one for the Treasurer Wayne Swan, and I got one for Prime Minister 
The Federal Police officer again snapped to attention, 
salutes and said, 
"Excellent trade, sir." 
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in  Rome,  Italy 
One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David 
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of 
the beggar sitting behind the Cross. 
The Pope comes by.  He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to 
the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the 
Star of David. 
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, 
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this 
city is the seat of Catholicism. 
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David 
in  front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is 
holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just 
out of spite." 
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned 
to the beggar with the Cross and said, 
"Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about 
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne 
Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. 
Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. 
He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the 
next day, maybe the day after that. 
Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" 
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked 
him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. 
"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," 
replied Brennan. 
A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and 
this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state 
They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set 
up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their 
questionnaires and such. 
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the 
project director decided to go to the local Cafe for a cup of coffee. 
He sat down at a table, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, 
he told the owner what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had  
any idea why the birth rate was so high. 
"Sure," said the cafe owner. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes 
through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, 
it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up. 
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead 
chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space 
shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the 
frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of 
the windshields. 
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the 
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a 
gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the 
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed 
into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through 
the control console, snapped the engineer's chair back- rest in two, and 
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a 
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, 
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for 
NASA responded with a one-line memo, "Defrost the chicken." 

Xax International logo
 Xax International
 All rights reserved.