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Newsletter and jokes: 14 July 2017

Hi all

Spider-Man did very well states-side last week, and they're expecting it to
eventually overtake Wonder Woman, which is itself doing very well. But
even Wonder Woman is no match for Gru and the minions... Despicable Me 3
dethroned Wonder Woman locally after just 2 weeks.

This week sees a bumper crop of new releases, mainly due to the re-release 
of a number of IMAX documentaries, which I guess are going to rotate around
the country.

On the commercial side we have the third episode in the re-re-booted 
Planet of the Apes series, which has the highest early ratings of any in 
the series, and is expected to do well. Then we have a look at modern
social media in The Circle, and Bryan Cranston dealing with a mid-life
crisis in a rather unorthodox way, on the art circuit. Also on the art
circuit is the very-highly rated animated film The Red Turtle, and staying
wet, a biopic about undersea explorer Jacques Cousteau.

And lastly, apart from all the IMAX doccies, we have two offerings from 

On the previews side there is a premier next week for Valerian and the City
of a Thousand Planets, only at Hyde Park, and in all the cinemas (I think 
some cinemas like the 4DX are already sold out). 

Released 14 July 2017

* War for the Planet of the Apes (13 V)
* War for the Planet of the Apes (3D) (13 V)
* The Circle (PG7-9 L)
* The Red Turtle
* The Odyssey (PG10-12)
* Wakefield (16 L)
* Jagga Jasoos (Hindi)
* Shab (Hindi)
* A Beautiful Planet (IMAX)
* Born to be Wild (IMAX)
* Hubble (3D)(IMAX)
* Deep Sea (3D)(IMAX)
* Space Station 3D (3D)(IMAX)
* Under the Sea (3D)(IMAX)

SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)

The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

Forthcoming attractions for 21 July

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


The e-mail:

Dearest Dad,

I'm coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in
love with a man who is far away from me.
As you know, I'm in Australia and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating
website, became friends on Facebook  and had long chats on Whatsapp. He
proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship
through Viber.
My beloved Dad, I'd like your blessing, good wishes, and a really big

Lots of love and thanks.

Your daughter,

The response:

My Dear Lilly,
Like wow! Like cool!
I suggest that you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your
kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.
And when you get fed up with your new husband, sell him on eBay.

Your Dad


A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'  The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got
it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'


 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
  'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'


Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
  1. The DNA all matches.
  2. There are no dental records.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
  'How was he killed?' asked one detective..
  'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
  'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
  'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

  A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
  'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.
  'What did he say,' asked the nurse.


On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through
Wales .

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped
for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you
pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'

The girl leaned over and said,

'Burrr .... gurrr .... king'

A Beautiful Planet (IMAX)ShabWakefieldJagga JasoosWar for the Planet of the Apes (3D)The OdysseyBorn to Be Wild (IMAX)
The Red TurtleThe CircleWar for the Planet of the ApesHubble (3D)(IMAX)
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